Meet the natives.

It's a new show on Channel 4. It had the first airing today.

A far flung and remote place called "Tanna" in the South Pacific is where we begin. We watch and are given a brief introduction to the people who will be travelling around England for a few weeks. We learn that they believe that Prince Philip is a god and that they use pigs as a form of currency.

There are 5 men who will be travelling with a camcorder through the British Isles to learn about us, a spin on the normal concept of going far and wide to meet others. They come to see us and with fascinating insights.

I've been reading some of the comments and peoples thoughts about this show and I feel slightly saddened. There's a lot of harsh backlash about this, but then I come to expect this from my people. There was mention of it being like another big brother, other people said it was exploitation and some said it would merely encourage more of the same and threaten those remote cultures all the more.

But it was with great pleasure that I witnessed what others thought about us, the English. Most refreshing, holding some of the concerns aside.

Their views and ideas are theirs and theirs alone. They are fixed much like our own. But it was a very touching and warming to listen to what they had to say, for the experience of hearing another voice. I hear so much of what we think, that it was nice to see what they thought.
They found many similarities in this episode to their own lives. Pig farming for one. They couldn't believe how big the pigs were. They were giants to their eyes. They were also saddened by the fact that the female pigs would get no satisfaction from being artificially impregnated. Nor, that the male being caged up and separate from the females to get them ready would be freed to do so personally.
Pigs lived with them, as equals, they were respected in much the same way as people. They could come and go as they wanted. Unlike here. The chief didn't like it at all.

They wondered where and if we met up to discuss things and to have fun. Which is where we, or should I say they, discover the pub at the end of their first week.
"I wondered where the went to talk and get together" one of the men said "Now I know.". It was also there that they discovered beer. They loved it, who wouldn't?

Some of the things they found strange was that men and women have equal share in what happens in the home and social life. We socialise together, we also share responsibilities of cooking, cleaning and working. For them, it was the women who cooked and cleaned and the men who hunted and made the decisions.

It was interesting, for them and for the English who they stayed with.

I quite enjoyed their dance toward the end of their stay in Norfolk. Catchy, but there impression was that we weren't all that interested. But, the English are at heart reserved on the outside. So, understandable thoughts.

Anyway, it's interesting for the insights they have into our world and the things it throws up for us. Highlighting our concerns and fears.

It's on on Thursdays 9pm on Channel four. I just hope that I can stay awake or have it recorded. As I will be going back to my normal working hours soon.

Ciao a tutti.

Sleepy and tired.

No sooner do I decide on coming back to the land of blog than my life decides to get busy again. Which is a good thing in some ways.

Tomorrow, I will turn thirty years old. I will have been round the sun 30 times on space ship planet earth. Cool.

For the next fortnight however, I am dog and house sitting. I didn't want to do either. Not in a million years. It's a long story, involving inheritance money, friends of friends, untimely coincidence and general mwurgh.

The lady who lives above a friend of mine, inherited a whopping load of cash. Her birthday, incidentally, is tomorrow as well.
So a while back, she told my friend, who lives below her, that she would book them a holiday, my friend didn't believe she would.
She did, my friend went, "oh", as she really didn't want to go on holiday and leave her dog. But, she said yes and as I'm the only person she trusts with the dog and the house, I got lumbered.

I do have trouble saying "no" to people though, which is something I'm working on. It'll get easier with time though.

Nobodies perfect.

So it was last night, that I was round her place, with the lady who has told me she knows where everything is in her house, couldn't find her digital camera she bought specifically for her holiday because she hid it somewhere. "Ohhh, where did I put it?!?!?"

As I stood there, watching her go through the motions of trying to find her camera. On her time and mine. I always feel that she sucks up anything of me. So I do try to limit my contact with her, I only pop round for a visit every couple of weeks or so. If that.
So I stood there, well into the small hours, knowing full well that I'd be getting her up at five, she sleeps through her alarm clock, feeling very bored and trapped. I've slept about 4 hours, I thought that I would be getting a well deserved lie in, but it's enough to work through today. I hate my alarm clock now, it's nice to wake without one.
Thankfully, I did book off Wednesday, so I only have a three day week. Of which I'm working 10am till 6pm.

My friend is a nice person and is very giving, she just has her flaws, which the longer I know her, the harder they are to tolerate. What do you do?

So I couldn't really go away for my thirtieth, as I'd have liked to. My wings will be a Little bit clipped. I don't mind house and dog sitting, but I'm out of my comfort zone and I wanted to be comfortable, especially round my Thirtieth.

I'm saying good bye to my twenty's, doing things I really didn't want to be doing. But, such is life.

This isn't quite an upbeat post. I wish I could blog as and when my interesting thoughts come to mind, but I'm always away from my computer and any Internet connection.

I need an ultra mobile PC.

Apple, hurry up and make the multi touch screen laptop and make it affordable for me. I know there making one, they must be, especially after the release of the ipod touch. I also wish I'd have held out a little bit longer as they are releasing the iphone over here. With my current mobile phone operator.

God I'm tired, my eyes are heavy and I've been invited out by my mates next door neighbour, where I will currently be staying, for a pub quiz. Which I am looking forward to on the eve of my thrity year mark on planet earth.

But I've got to go to work, I don't finish till 6pm today. I wouldn't have minded if I could have slept longer. Gosh darn my friend. Pain in the neck. 15 ish days to go. Because I'm not entirely sure when she gets back. Add's fun to the mix.

Till later.

Holding back.

Good or bad, that's what I've been doing. I've felt like being very quiet, very in me. Not really sharing much. Both in blog and life.
I am definitely at that point where I want something different. I'm getting to the end of a tether and I really want to break free.

Home, home in many ways is comfortable. But then, in many other ways, it's quite stifling.
Work, work's ok, just about. It's still making me money, even though I didn't save anything at all last month. Not a penny.
Several things cropped up that required the use of cash, so I said "why not?" They involved going out and having fun. so, worth it by far.
Relationships, vacant and just not there.

Although I really want to save as much as possible. So I'm spending a heck of a lot of time, not getting up to much right now and not spending money.

Saying that, I'm due for a round of friend visiting soon. I'll be off to Ireland to see my large Irish mate. I'll be off to the coast of England to see another and to the "garden of England" as well. I've got to call another mate too.

Anyway, to decide to change my life, I have to let go of a few things. Namely preconceptions and old bad habits. It's harder than it seems. It's helping to be sick of a few things, see second paragraph.

I want to get away again, one of the things that's stopping that, is what I feel I owe to my past. The people I was with and things I said I'd do. Or thought I would do but now, current climate and requirements don't suit.

It's not doing me any favours hanging on to the past. It really isn't.

So, letting go begins now. It also means letting go of my preconceptions.

I think I can start to get going again.

My horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

Your September Forecast: You can't be everywhere at once. Nor can you be all things to all men... or women. Better to recognise as much and draw a few clear lines in the sand, than to kid yourself that things are any different and thus wind up living in a world full of vague half-promises and quarter-compromises. Saturn is moving into Virgo. It has been nearly three decades since we last saw an astrological arrival quite like this. For the next two years, you're going to be facing facts and accepting realities. But you're also going to be making magnificent progress as you direct all your energy and effort into a decision that's long overdue. The change starts right now.

That sounds about right. I'll also be turning thrity soon. Days to go...

'Face facts and accept realities' that usually crops up every now and then. But such is life.

Anyway, I've gotta get ready for work today, this is my weekend on. Which means an easy weekend to come. Yay!

Thinking of blog.

Which doesn't put many words up here to be honest, I'm still stuck in my vacuum.

Time passes very quickly in London and I dream of being far far away doing something else other than what I am.

To answer your question MikeP.

Transformers was good, it wasn't what I felt it could have been. Far too simple for my tastes. I think it might have even been more simple than the original cartoon series. I didn't like the way the baddies popped up for two seconds and had a fight then died either. Aside from the main characters.

My loves were the amazing designs for the robots and transformations. WOW.

My favourite part of the movie is where Bumblebee has defeated barricade and slowly walks up the hill then tells sam and the attractive lady what its all about.

I enjoyed it immensely all in all and can't wait for the next one.

One more.

I've really lacked the motivation to write, or should that be the reason.

I have no reason that I can. No reason for me to be. None what so ever.

I would like one.

Just one, somewthing nice, to make me smile. To give me a skip in my step. I'd like that. I'll have to keep on looking.

The humdrum of life really isn't for me. I'm bored. Bored out of me heed. (I spelt thaht the way I wanted it said)


meh.

Staring out my window.

I'm looking at the tree getting blown about and I'm wandering. Just getting lost in the rippling to and fro movement.

I wander if my life is like one of those leaves you know. Connected to the tree, the larger part of existence, the here and now. If I were to fall off, much like any of those leaves, the hundreds of similar green things, would anyone really notice. No/ Maybe those closest to me. But I really doubt I'd be missed for long you know.

Two weeks and it'd be over. Life would resume as normal.

Not that I am going anywhere. Not that I'm due a popping off at any point in the near future.

I can't wait for some fun.

Feeling better.

Much better. I'd say far from the perfect day, but I'm better.

I'm reaching a place in my head where I feel I should be. Where I want to move on to. It's one of these things that will take a little time to develop. It's something I want to pursue and it's gong to unfold as it will. It's not a predictable outcome situation.

Which is good. I shouldn't be allowed to be able to predict my own outcomes. That would be very bad. It would ruin a lot of the fun and suspense too.

So, when my opportunity presents itself, and I have the dingly danglys to pick it up and seize the moment, things should be way good. In all my bestest grammar speak. For the ups and downs. Much as it is now.

It's all part of that process in life and I am pleased for those times that wear me into the ground. That make me feel down. It's the place where I can look up and see what meeds to be fixed. A good mechanic is probably covered in grime I would guess. Well, even if he's not good, at least he's mucking in and trying to make the best of it.

Which is good.

I suppose a good measure of a person is one who can get the doof knocked from the ol' sails and still keep ticking.

I'm tired and am looking forward to a day off tomorrow. I'll be looking after a friend of mine. She's having a lot of teeth removed. All in fact. Got it in the face by wayward luggae once many moons ago and had her teeth wired in. So it's all coming out after many years. Enough is enough as she put it.

So, it can't be a nice prospect and I will be keeping an eye on her tomorrow, making sure all is well.

I'm going to get to read Harry Potter as well. A good excuse as any.

Till later...

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

There may be no use crying over spilled milk... but that doesn't mean you can swing to the other extreme and just leave it sloshing around on the floor. Milk swiftly turns sour and leaves a lingering odour that can take ages to eradicate. Mop it all up while it's wet, no matter how dispirited you may feel. Deal with what you'd far prefer to ignore. Be responsible. Neither shed tears for the past nor try to rewrite history. Just move on bravely and remember, you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of.

Bang on target.

I feel like being quiet.

I have recently, a part of me feels quite loud another bit of me is sitting very still and being quite quiet.

I don't know quite why? Although perhaps I do.

It was interesting this morning, I wont go into the details of what I was doing, it's not important, but it involved the use of my left and right hand.
I was doing two things at once, I found it very difficult to split the task between both hands. But, as soon as I switched my hands over, from my left to my right, I noted something I didn't expect. My right hand utilised more ingenuity with my neck and shoulder as an extra grasper.

Something that didn't happen with my left hand, worked in my right. It was like a part of my brain that was more developed, the part being dedicated to that hand, was better able to deal with the task than the other.

It was interesting. I wonder what my left hand would make of some stuff and my right the same...

In any case, that little quiet bit of me is a bit like my other hand. I don't know quite what it's doing or what it will do, until something occurs or changes.

Strange.

I also feel very distant from many things right now. People, especially. I also want to be distant. I've not been able to have five minutes to myself for a week or so now and I need it. I need my space. To clear my mind, so I can be me. I find it hard to be me with other people around.

In some ways I'm quite happy, although a large portion of my life is empty. I kinda wish I had some idea of where I was headed. What I want from my life at the moment. I have little things, but no large ones.

I've also been thinking about relationships a lot recently. I wonder if I'll ever be cut out for a long term one. I'm very independent. Not in an isolationist way, but I like my space.

I think of myself with another and as much as my heart so yearns it, another part of me really doesn't want to sacrifice that space. That being the part that has slightly more dominance.

There's also "the shadows in my mind" as I like to refer to them. Those thoughts of mine that are less than optomistic. The ones that look on the more negative side of life. They work without my knowing, until I see the contrast in light of day. It's almost like a part of me lies to myself.

Odd.

But these are just afew of my perceptions today. As I sit here, watching myself.

That little ray of sunshine.

What a nice day. At work anyway. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Smoothly it went by. Very smoothly.
I could have been working in another place altogether.

Also, as a wee teeny tiny bonus to my life, a little itty bitty. The Transformers movie, which I've been going on about forever and ever will be showing TOMORROW at the cinema next to work. I will be going. I've heard it's excellent from many different sources. Which makes me grin from ear to ear.

I have waited for MONTHS and MONTHS. I can't remember being this excited about a film. It's probably nothing to most other people, but I cannot wait.

Ever since I was five and Transformers the cartoon aired, I've wanted this film to be made. I may not have known it, but it was a must. Thank you Mr Spielberg and anyone else who made this possible.

It's the little five year olds dream, that one nestled deep within me. That little timeless piece of me.

Finally, finally, finally. Phew. Made it. I'm not going to explode or go pop!

I can scarcely remember back to the point I discovered that they were going to make the film. Probably about a year and a half ago.

So, this week, despite it's 'bleurgh' start, is going a little bit better for me. Hopefully the trend will continue... I would like an upturn in the books.

Anyway, literally 23 hours and52 minutes before I will be watching Transformers.

You can tell I'm just a little bit excited about this film.

Pipe Tobacco.

I've read this gentlemens blog for a few years now, it was one of my first that I discovered when I originally started blogging. Or rather, he discovered me and invited me over to read. Which I did and have been doing ever since.

I just read his most recent post and it had me nodding my head in complete understanding.

"I find myself now, without a goal, without a purpose." Is something he wrote and I really feel that myself.

I can understand why so many people now, who have apparently achieved so much in their life can suddenly, I'll pick my words carefully, lack a feeling for anything anymore. The reason, the impetus is gone.

There is no answer to the question "why?" As I wrote of in an earlier post of mine.

The fulfilment of the goals set and then the accomplishment steels the wind from our sails. When you've fulfilled all purposes, what other point is there?

Like he says, he can do "scuba diving, or sky diving, but why? To what purpose?" I nod my head with empathy.

Without an answer, life is like a game you see no point in playing. You can pick up the cards and particpate, but it's hollow, false, simply going through the motions. Without a reason, without something to accomplish it can be very hard.

I take a little comfort knowing that I am not alone in this. Though I do wish that no one would have to be in this state.

I do hope, that soon, a reason for me and those who need one, will make it's way back into our lives.

Urgh...

I hate not having my own space. I also really hate it when someone doesn't ask, doesn't consult with you, but is quite happy to decide that you will do "such and such" because they wish it.

I live with this particular person. To reason with them is almost beyond possible.

They've made their assumptions about what they think. Leaving you and the reality of the situation way out of it. It annoys and angers me to distraction.

It was the first thing that confronted me when I came back in the door. There is no space for me. I have no place that I feel I can unwind and let go. I'm under pressure at work and at "home", it doesn't really feel like a home to me anyway. A place I reside at other times.

You know, when I was younger I often felt at home. I now realise that this depends on your physical circumstances. If you've got that space to call your own, no trouble. But how do you physically acquire such a space? Unless you have the means to do so, it ain't happening.

So, for me, right now, it ain't gonna happen at all. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place, the frying pan or the fire.

I thought I'd get some space this weekend, my one off. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen. I'm off work, fabby, but I have other burdens thrust upon me beyond my choice or control.

I hate it.

I hate getting older, everything is taking on a more real bleak look. My youthful ignorant understanding of the world is fast disappearing up the arse of 'how things really are', not what I think.

I'm this close to going out and finding my own place. Which will mean less money, less savings and less freedom with my future. But, it's the trade off with living with others and saving cash.

I have so little I want. I piddle along in my life not doing very much at all at the moment. It's quite hard.

Not so speak that EVEYTHING is bad. Just the stuff that's happening right here and now. The stuff I can't escape from. All I can do is write about it.

I still hold hope, nothing remains forever the same. Nothing, which makes me much happier.

Anyway, back to my uncomfortable space beyond my choosing.

Where headed?

Probably a very common question people ask themselves. I'm asking myself that on a daily basis. Especially now as my life lacks that special something to keep me going.

I really only have the Transformers movie to look forward to at the moment. A fairly devoid life of anything concerning real "happy making" substance. Something fullfilling would be great. To keep me ticking over untill tomorrow.

I hate this "modern" world. This over crowded place. Well, it is in my book. We really do not need this many people farting about the place. 6 billion or more is just a bit too much for my liking.

I'd love some forest to be walking around in. Some trees to sit under, without a person to come on by. It would be nice.

I wouldn't have to worry about where I was headed. I would be. Like the animals in the wood. Living, playing, eating and sleeping. Maybe the occasional roll around in something nasty. As they do.

But I'm lockd into the human race. Emphasis on the race.
Stuck in London, with far too many people. Feeling quite lonely. Funny thing that, the more people, the more isolated you feel. Bizare.

Anyway, long ramble short. I still need some purpose, or fun in my life.

Meh...

Lying wotsit.

The female manager at the shop asked me to go and buy some a4 paper the other day. We'd run out.

"Red robin, can you go and buy some paper for the shop. Either at woolworths or the photocopying shop which is next door"

"Yeah ok" I replied.

Time was pressing on and I knew we needed paper to print off all the paper work that we needed. So I went to the nearest shop, which was the photocopying shop.
Now I don't buy paper everyday and have no real idea of how much it costs. Not a clue. I asked the man behind the counter.

"Can I buy some a4 paper here?"

"Yeah, sure, what would you like?" He listed a couple of types of paper and I opted for the bog standard. Nothing fancy.

"That's £23.50p"

Wow, I thought to myself. I handed over my card and paid for it.

I took it back to the shop and walked into the office downstairs. The fat boy manager and the other deputy manager (quite a nice guy) were both there. I told them how much it cost.

"who told you to buy paper" The fat boy manager asked me. I answered him and he quickly responded "Well, I'm not authorising it and she can try explaining that to..." He said the name of the BIG bosses of the shops. The one who's been doing the rounds at the moment.

A while later on the till, whilst I was serving a customer, the lady manager came up to me and said "The fat manager isn't authorising that purchase"

In other words, I'm not going to get back the money I paid for it. Did I mention that it came out of my pocket and I had to reclaim the cash?

Then she walked off, leaving me at the till thinking I'm not going to get my money. Which as you can imagine was a little distracting. I was quite cross.

After I'd finished there, I walked to the stairs at the back of the shop to go on my break.

The lady manager was there "Red robin, it's authorised, but I asked you to see which shop sold it for cheaper."

What? I thought to myself. She never said that to me. I wasn't a hundred percent certain of the exact conversation but am pretty damn sure she never said that. I couldn't believe it. She's lying.

I'm still stunned. I just think she's trying to cover her own arse and dump me in the crap.

Fortunately, they justified the purchase by using the paper, when they could simply have asked me to return it and get the money back. Simple really. That simple blunder will save me from any huge slagging off.

Also, I did get my money back. But she will try to pin it on me.

We'll see how this goes.

I'm really angry and put upon at the moment. I really hate this shop sometimes, I wish I hadn't transferred sometimes you know, the last shop was far better than this.

Cause it makes me happy.

Gawd bless. How I do miss this show...

Cloudy days.

You ever wonder if life chucks a load of crap your way because you're needed to do something else. Be a little different than you are now.

That the form you hold is insuficient for what the time requires.

I'm contemplating a big change for me. Something well within my means to aquire, but it will mean certain restrictions placed apn me. Finanacially I'd be a little worse off than now. I wouldn't be able to save all I could. There's also hidden uncertainties, which I wont find out about until I actually do it. If I do it. I'm merely entertaining thoughts at the moment.

Pluses would be numerous. There might be draw backs unknown to my mind at present. It would mean my current plan goes to poop really, or at least is delayed somewhat. But, as I reacll, I live in the now. Not then. I'm never in then. So I suppose, I should live with the now, rather than borrowed time (if that's what you call it) and do something now. With what's at hand.

It would, on a positive, open up many things that I am unable. or at least, feel unable to do right now. I could relax and be myself and not have to worry about all the crap that surrounds me in this place.

It's a big change. Which, I've learnt over the few short years in my life, generally mean new things happen. Some good, some not so good. But in the end, it's all good experience. And experience is what it's all about.

So I'm mulling this one over for a little bit. I'll speak to a few people I know about it. See what they think.

But, it's probably a good idea. I'll just have to let go of my preconceived notions about what I think 'should be'. Because I really do not know. Not at all.

Cloudy days, they may yet give way to a bit more sunshine. In fact, they usually do.

Cloged up.

I'm having a clog up of the old writing pipes at the moment. I'm having a general clog up of the pipes too.

Life is backed up, and it's all down to me.

Is there a way out of this funk I have found myself in? Only time will tell...

Wish me all the best.

Right now.

I'm having a fantastic two day weekend. I'm ever so relaxed and feel much rested.

I'm missing my time in China, or moreover, my time with my friends there. The community I once had but have no more.

~sigh~

But, I'm well. Feel good today. Work tomorrow, then another day off and back to the working world.

But for now, I'm off to see Die Hard 4.0 with my Somlaian mate.

Ciao regazzi.

Working it through.

That's how it feels for me at the moment, I'm digesting something large and heavy. It's being worked through the guts of my mind. I've been bubbling and churning things over for a few days and I probably have a few more to go.
Fortunately I can enjoy a weekend off this week. So, tomorrow is my last day of work for the week.

Yay!

Which means I can put all my mental digestiveness aside for a short while and focus on something else.

You know, I've written about this a few times before, but I feel like doing so again. I'm definitely getting older. I really notice it now. The things some of the "slightly" younger people around me say are starting to sound really immature.

My 22 year old boss is a complete n*b. Utterly totally. He has the maturity of a 4 year old. Some of the things he says to me are just so ridiculous. I cannot imagine why he would say them.
He's obviously done the work to get to his position, but there's no maturity. He isn't an adult.

I wouldn't even call myself an adult, and I'm tipping the scales at 30 years now. I'm very much aware of my short comings and all the troubles around me. In fact, I find myself much more watchful of my surroundings. Rather than mouthing off about this or that. Although I probably do that a lot in this blog. Hmm... Anyway.

I'm more settled in myself, I don't expect to me things from life external. I just sit and take it as it happens.

Maybe that's just lethargy, although my words could be interpreted in many ways.

You can tell I've been thinking a lot. I really don't have much of a sound board for my thoughts, other than here. So, best used.

I can't imagine all that's in store for me in the next thirty years of my life, even if I live that long.
I knew I didn't know what my life would hold in store and I still don't. Best, I think.

Me, older and wiser? Probably older and more quietly observent. That's the way I'm going I think.

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

"A dictionary? A thesaurus? An encyclopedia? Perhaps you need none of the above. Perhaps there is now an attempt somewhere in your world, to put a label on something that is best left nebulous. Why must everything be so carefully defined and explained? Why, even, must it be fully understood? You are dealing with something that is essentially amorphous and instinctive. Celebrate it for what it is and honour it with the wisdom of your heart not the judgement of your intellect."

Trust my heart, eh? Not the old noggin.

Apparently according to the horoscope in the metro this morning I'm supposed to have a blinding week. Although, it got off to a bad start. Not the best of starts. Something's going to snag at some point this week. It wont be pleasent. Supposed to be love in the air as well. But to be honest, the only people I'm interested in have already got males attached. Stinks.

Anywho, I'm creamed. Had four hours of sleep last night, not really up to me as it was out of my control. My likes to talk a lot friend insisted on my staying for another cup of tea. Not after another lengthy hours chat. Sigh...

Wasn't happy, but there you go.

But, most importantly I have a day off tomorrow. Yay! My long week is over, now I can have my short week.

I need to go to bed though. Tired.

I'm back from the gym.

I have finished eating a very nice afternoon meal. Consisting of Avacado, chicken, a couple bagels and houmous. Washed down with a nice cup of tea, it is indeed a splendid way to wrap up an afternoon.

Yum.

My folks are driving me up the wall at the moment, in fact they've been doing it for years. Saying one thing and doing another.

An example. I asked my dad yonks ago about a specific computer that I wanted to buy. He knows a lot about computers. He just shot down my idea then and there. Said it wasn't worth it.

A while later, a lot later, my dad tellls me about te computer my youngest brother has bought. Guess which one it was? The one I asked him about.

What did my dad have to say about it. Only good things. He couldn't have spoken more highly about. Hang on a minute, wasn't that the same one I asked you about I thought to myself.

Indeed it was. One of many glaring irks with me old man.

Now me muver.

She demands and asks that everything be tidy, however, it's cluttered with all her stuff. I leave no mess lying around. Everything of mine, bar xbox and a few plants, are in my room. Well out of the way.
She has tonnes of stuff all over the place, but is quite happy to ignore it all. Even though it gets in the way. She has a blind spot to it.

Right, that's as much of a rant I'm going to allow myself. I am very cross with my parents and I've never felt or been allowed to expres myself to them. They just fire it back and claim the parental tower of rightness to their cause. Even though that has nothing to do with it.

I'm getting very close to wanting to find my own place. However, rent at home is much cheaper than else where. I will have to put up with their flaws a little while longer.

Blimey they make me so cross. I'm fuming inside.

I've got to get this off my chest before I head off.

It's not out over here in London untill the 27th of this month.

ARGH! I'm gonna explode.

I want to see the Transformers movie.

I doubt myself.

Sometimes I do. I wonder if my direction I'm going is the one I should be going on. Although if I were to give myself or another person advice on the subject it would probably be around the lines of "don't worry, no one cannot not be doing what they're meant to be doing, such a thing would seem silly to me".

Birds have wings, they fly, I have legs I walk and run. It's normal, you've got what you have, whether brain or body, it enables you to do what you do.

Seems obvious really.

Although that would encompass all the positives and the negatives. Such is life.

I hate picking myself to bits, I think I'm the kind of person who needs a good hundred years of living before I can vanquish most of these negatives from my person. However, I'm probably only going to make it to around my mid seventies.
So, another 40 to 45 more summers and winters to get myself ship shape as they say.

Just 45 summers left on planet earth. Not a lot really.

All that asside, gym is going well. It's a little bit easier than it was and I leave it feeling energised afterwards. It's all good and I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It should also boost those healthy optimistic brain chemicals as exercise is a good way to treat depression and feeling low.

Did I mention I changed my hours? I'll be working every other weekend, which means getting the other off. So I can actually do things on the weekend as opposed to just having a day off to fart about




WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE REST OF MY POST?!?!?! I published it and it's been half eaten by something!!!

I'd finished on a happy note. Bum. Flippin, whatever it was. Darn gremlins in the machine. Oh foof. I can't be bovered to type it all again.

Here's the brief version.

Change hours. Work weekend, one off. Make whole day extra pay. (Thanks sunday) Sundays pay for gym. Gym make me feel good. Happy happy. Lots of money. Doing stuff.

So make more of good things in my life and something something.

Oh, I hate it when technology goes Pffft!

Horoscope, for tomorrow before bed.

Things don't always fall perfectly into place. Opportunities don't always line up just as we want them to. The 'flow' has a way of flowing away from us, just when we are getting used to being in it. But, then, just as tides come in and go back out again, so changes will change again if only you can bring yourself to wait long enough. Something left your life some while ago. You miss it, but you doubt it will ever return. Guess what. It is on its way back. And as it arrives, much will start to work out perfectly.

Hmm, I wonder what that may refer to. My thoughts wander along a pre-wondered path, but life happens as it happens.

But then, I will remind myself I am in control of my life, to some extent.

Anyway, night night...

Grr...

The earliest showing times I can find for the transformers movie is on the 15th all the way up in Gateshead, North England.

Then it shows from the 27th onward in London as far as I can garner running around the web.
Another 24 day wait for me.


I think I might explode.

Writing mood.

It's on vacation.

Probably because I'm quite tired (5:15am starts take it out of me) and would like to head to bed soon. It's about 8pm and the weather's gone to heck. Rain, wind and heavy dark grey overcast clouds. Bleurgh.
Although it's my day off tomorrow. So I don't care.


Also...

1 day 9 hours 55 minutes 25 seconds untill the Transformers movie comes out. (Accurate when I wrote this)

I remember when that said 90 days.

Time does fly. I like it when stuff I like happens. It's nice. I cannot wait!!!

Tomorrow is Sunday.

Even though today is very much rain day. As we're in the middle of one of the wetest times in a very very long time.

Things are always changing and they cannot remain the same forever.

I'll carry this on with my horoscope, I'm finding it hard to get my set off point for my writing.

Wow, that surprised me, I flipped back to my horoscope and it changed from the weekend one to the week ahead. I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, thanks to Jonathan Cainer for the horoscope.

"Your Week Ahead: Some people put a big sign on their door saying, 'Beware of the dog'. When you get close you discover that the dog in question is not some half-crazed wolf-beast, but a miniature poodle. Most of us, one way or another, have a bark that is far worse than our bite. You have lately spent a great deal of time and energy worrying about some enormous monster with ferocious fangs. You have, indeed, seen a warning but you have overreacted to it. Neither a person, nor a situation, is as ferocious as you fear. During July, as you receive fresh reassurance, you begin to adjust to life without a sense of menace in the background."

Very true. Very very true. I also hope the last bit proves to be true.

I am my own worst enemy at times. It doesn't require another person to put me down and out. I can be quite capable all on my own. I pick at all the small points and hack myself apart.
I was sat on the train yesterday on the verge of a panick attack, and I mean on the verge. I'm very experienced with that aspect of my life now and can keep it under control. Years ago I would have flipped out. But now, it's easier than it was. even if still as daunting...

Hey, good news. To change the topic suddenly and in that badly written way which should be avoided, subjects should blend together to form a coherent path from a to z.

So anyway, great news in fact.

I am due to receive a pay rise. At the end of next month and it's to be "quite a bit" as my line manager said.

Oh, by the way, slightly better news than that too! In fact, double bubble fantastic news.

I am due to get another pay rise at the end of november (I think).

Two pay rises. Yes. TWO.

My work times have also changed once more. I will be doing every other sunday and getting every other saturday off.
Sunday is pay and a half, so, two sundays worked means one day extra pay. Which, conveiniently enough will pay for my new gym memebership for every month, for the months to come.

Keeping in mind the pay rise will mean I earn a little bit more for the time and a half so I will still come away from gym membership with a load of cash.

I couldn't believe it when she told me I'd be getting two pay rises. I still can't. It's going to be so bloody helpfull.
Such great news.

I have another thing that I want to do. But I want to keep it under my belt. It's one of those maybe will happen things. If it does, I'll write about it. But I don't want to set myself up for a fall. So I'll keep this light under my hat. I don't want it to go "foof!" in the light of day.

I hope something can bounce off of this. My little thing. I need it. Materially things are looking rosey. There's other things I want to address in my life.

Anyway. I'll write more later.

It's Sunday tomorrow and guess what? I don't need to wake up to an alram clock!!!

W o n d e r f u l . . .

Phew...

I'm knackered. Really really knackered.

I have started going to the gym again. Yipee! It's a really nice one not two minutes walk from my workplace. I'm looking forward to going for a swim at some point as well.
Looking after my physical well being is good. I'm pleased to be back on this horse again.

Anyway, I've been invited out to a friends birthday party. Which means a restaurant and food. (I'm starved after the gym. I've already eaten a little something, just to stave off the hunger pangs)
Although I'm flippin tired, as I've already mentioned. So am simply vegetating in front of my computer screen before I need to go out again. Puff wheez.

Although give the gym another two weeks and my fitness should start to improve somewhat, so I wont sit around sapped of all but my typey finger strength.
I've been having bad sleep recently too, so this sunday and tuesday coming will be vegatating days. I'm not going to do anything. Nothing. Just rest, eat and sleep. That'll do.

I'm already looking forward to bed this evening. Just gotta get the dinner out of the way though.

Right ho, I'll leave that there. I'm knackered.

My life.

After the last two years of living abroad my life of recent has been anything but fantastic. More of 'my god isn't time passing by quickly' and 'jee whizz, I ain't done much with meself'.

Not that that's a bad thing. I'm sure there are times in life that you need to charge up a certain amount of steam before you crack off in another more interesting direction. I feel like a horse in a pen looking out at all the surroundings and wanting very much to have a run, but can't.

A most frustrating thing.

In fact, the most frustrating thing is being who you are, being all that you are and unable to express it or live it. Not being able to run, not being able to laugh. Not being able to think. Just kept, like that horse in the stable. With a long face, no joke.

Like a bird in a cage longing to stretch its wings. Completely cut off from what you are and intended for. It's hard.

I almost look at myself in reflection and wonder what am I intended for. The ultimate answer of course, to look back and see what it all amounted to. I'm sure we all get some reflection back at our time of passing to wherever.

I cannot rationally judge for myself the purpose of my life. none of us can know this. In fact, it's quite a different state of being to any animal. They are formed as they are, they do what they do. It's a fairly simple life for them.
Humans on the other hand, have that little bit of something else. I don't really like saying that, I like to think that by pure state seen we are all equal.

But does an animal ever stop and ponder why? (However such a concept would be formed without the word) In fact, I'm sure some of them do. It may not be our plinth alone to stand upon.

Anyway. Why?

I do not have an answer to that question. I cannot answer it. right now at least. In China I could, I wanted to see and experience another part of this world and I did. That was my answer to the question 'why?' then.

But my answer to my current why isn't there. It doesn't exist. I suppose actually come to think of it, that it's simply to find one.
I know that i'm looking for a relastionship. I know I want that. In what form it may or may not come to be in, I'm not privy to such information, so cannot know. If I am ever to have such a thing, being the creature I.

I can preoccupy my mind with so much stuff, so much dust that I can blow up with my mind to obscure myself and my perceptions from absence of reason, in a reasonless universe. If there were a reason perhaps it's written down somewhere. Perhaps the center of existence there's a page that states why. Perhaps. Although that's probably just something an offshoot of random consiousness would think and imagine.

Time. Time, time, a long time. I very much wish to be free of this thing. This creation of ours. there is no time, we just made it up. I'd love to live in a culture that has no concept of time. That would be nice.

Time is that unbeatable thing. That vacum where only ourselves reside. Being that we are the only things there, it is only ourselves that give us the trouble. For whatever reason. We are our worst enemies.

I think I'm mine at the moment and I understand why that is.

There isn't much for me to do at the moment. No place to go. No person to see. I mean, I have my friends and I do go to see them. But this is rested gently on the top and doesn't offer me things beyond myself. It is comforting, yeah, but it doesn't fix the devil in me. That person that exists when I'm idle. I suppose that explains the saying "Idle hands make the devils work" or something like that.

I don't know why.

Although I do know that change is the only true eternal, oneday, why may stop existing. Things might change so. I'd better appreciate it whilst I can.

I feel like Daffy Duck surounded by all the black stuff falling in on him.

eh, at least it's a new day tomorrow and this job will end and I will meet new people and I will travel and see new and fantastic places one day. Yeah. Change will always happen.

So, I'll sit tight for the time being and wonder why...

Pingu.

I love pingu. I really do.


I'll get back to more regular posting soon I think. I've missed tyyping my thoughts as I think 'em.

Urgh...

What a day. What a painful day.
The person I work with has, as my father would say, cloth ears. She blabs her mouth in an incredible array of daftness. Takes no time at all to listen to anything I say to her and then misses out on a million things.

Is there nothing worse in this world than a person who doesn't listen?

So I sat there with her today, the Sri lankan lady, listening to her faff her mouth off and take little or any attention to anything I had to add.
She'd made a mistake inputting some of the figures the other day. I tried to explain this to her, but not a thing did she actively gleam from me. So I've left it. It's not a huge problem, but it's there. She made a couple of others as well. both I mentioned to yet fall upon deaf ears.

So I don't care anymore. I will happily let the sh*t hit the fan. It's her that'll get it. I could, rectify the problem myself. But, for someone who takes no time to listen, perhaps she'll start once she realises that ignoring me isn't a clever thing to do.

It's most rude. So she can fry in her own juices. Harumph!

Also, today, I am swiftly becoming other peoples emotional punch bag. They've got gripes and they come my way. It is because I do take the time to listen and I'm one of the most easy going people around there. So, they come to offload, sometimes though, it's a few shots fired my way out of exacerbation. Sigh... I like to help, but it's easier when I'm not stressed.

Anyway, it's another day done and a little bit more money coming my way. I put 500 quid right into the isa the other day. I will be doing that again next month. Save save save. One positive I have firmly and true.

Anyway it's been a poopy day but I'm home. Hopefully I'll be able to get off to the old rub a dub (pub) soon for an ice rink (drink). Or a pigs rear, but whatever you fancy really.

So, where do you want to go?

We'd finished watching Fantastic floor "Rise of the Silver Surfer" and were wondering where to grab something to drink.

My friend, who came to London from Somalia when he was 13 suggested we go to Mcdonalds.

"Yeah, Maccy D's..." I replied with a whistful glaze in my eyes. I didn't really want to eat but I was hungry. So what the hey.

We walked in, past the part that was being redecorated and I went and queued up with my mate in tow. We waited a while and had aimless chit chat.

"So, how've you been?" He asked.

"Well" I responded.

"what did you think about the film?" I asked.

"It was good"

"I think it's much better than the first one" I replied. He nodded in agreement.

"Next please" The man behind the counter said interupting our aimless conversational journey.

I moved over and said "Can I have a big mac and a quarter pounder with cheese please"

"Just the burgers and not the meals" He said with a waving motion of his arm Which I copied and replied "Yeah, just the burgers."

My mate was stood directly behind me and I turned and said to him "You know, that's where I usually stand when I go to Macdonalds with someone else. It's also the point that the person behind the counter assumes that you aren't buying and anything because your mate has oredered two burgers." Refering to my two burgers ordered.

My mate just looked at me and smiled.

The man behind the counter came back with my food which I picked up and went to find a seat. I looked round as I was going and my friend was there.

"Aren't you getting anything?" I said to him really puzzled.

"No, no, it's alright."

"What!" I said in surprise "You said you wanted to go into McDonalds you c**t." A very Londoner thing to say at such an instance. It's simply a way of expressing how you feeel. Not everyones linguistic cup of tea, but there you go.

I felt a bit put upon as it wasn't my suggestion to go to McDonalds in the first place. Although I did agree. But, it's very typically something my mate would do and as he said.

"It's all part of my comedy routine" He said with a cheeky grin.

I just laughed.

Oh, by the way I spelt Fantastic FLOOR at the begining of the post intentionally. As I had this big fantasy when walking to the cinema to say that when asking for the tickets. As I didn't think anyonw would really hear the difference.

"Can I have two tickets for the fantastic floor please" I would say.

"Certainly sir, which seats would you like?"

Hehehehe....

Ahh... rest.

2pm today was the longest moment before more work. It was a nice feeling when I remembered that tomorrow was my day off, really nice. I can wake up tomorrow without my alarm clock.

Wonderful.

Really really wonderful. I'll be going to the movies to watch Fantastic 4. Can't wait. I really enjoy my movie times, especially when everyone else is out at work and I have a whole day off. I need it.
Today was a bang my head against a wall day. Although it's also a reminder to look at the positive aspects of things. A bounce off the wall so to speak. It might be a sudden jolt but it sends you along another way.

I've been feeling a bit lazy writing recently, probably my being a bit tired, I've been getting a little less sleep than I need and it does affect me. I'm not into stimulating myself with coffee or anything like that either. I'm a natural person. If I feel tired, I sleep. If I'm hungry, yeah, I eat and so on.

So I've not felt up to the mamouth task of pouring out my insides onto the web page. Perhaps I should. Probably later, when I'm suitably inspired.

Oh, before I forget, i'm trying out Safari for windows. I just downloaded it and have had a brief look into its workings. The silver grey is a bit of a "urrmmhh..." for me, but the rest is tutto buono.

My first impressions are that there are some very straight forward ways to do things. Subtle differences from internet explorer. Which I'll most likely stop using now. I don't really like it at all.

Hmm, I realise just reading that I've painted an inaccurate picture of my circumstances. I only use internet explorer for this blog. As the old blog I use is tied to my original gmail account. In order to distance myself from that, I had to use my back up gmail account. As i couldn't be bothered signing in and out between the two, I used two browsers. Firefox (I love) and internet explorer.
Firefox is excellent and will remain my default browsing experience for some time to come. It's lovely.

So, this for my new secondary browser, soley for the purpose of this blog, will now be Safari. Tip top indeed it is.

Right. I'm off to enjoy the rest of my evening and retire to bed for much needed sleep.
Because I feel like making some of these "Zzz... Zzz..."

The view from my mates flat in Ireland.

Did you spot the elephant? The circus was in town.

Ireland some more.

Ireland.

Where I was for me hols.

Technology.

I'm looking forward to riding a scramjet in the near future.

2 hours to fly between London and Australia at mach 10. Sweet.

I'm waiting for the future of travel at such speeds and at the smallest expense, so we can all get about and meet one another. It would be good for the planet.

Don't worry about pollution or extinction either. Give it a hundred to two hundred years and we'll probably be able to recreate almost anything from matter. Put in garbage get out a couple of cars and a pig (that lives and breathes like they should do).

If my blog is still bumming around in the next hundred years or so, mark my words.
We'll have also cured ageing. We wont have to worry about that anymore, if we don't want.

The future will be an interesting place to live in.

Anyway, to the present and the fact I agreed to work a couple of hours this morning. They need an admin person and I'm it.

Bleurgh. I hate work, I really really do. Let me be rich perlease...

Friday tomorrow.

Which means it'll be back to work for me and I'm really not looking forward to it at all. I was also phoned by my Russian companion and asked if I could do Sunday.

I agreed.

Namely because there is no one else for it and I only have to do a couple of hours. Not too bad at all.
The only thing that bugs me is that she tried to explain all i had to do for Sunday over the phone. Which I forgot was paying to receive the call for. I'd swapped networks and didn't realise it. So we were cut off mid conversation and I haven't recharged my phone yet.

Hopefully it'll be reasonably simple and the two hours flies by. I don't want to work, but I want to show a good face back at work. I'm filling the gaps they need filled.
Always the good face is shown.

Anyway, I'll be right back in the swing of it soon enough. No trouble.

So in the time folowing my return to work I'll be busy finding those things to keep me happy. Like upcoming movies (Transformers, coming out really soon...) Seeing friends and playing games on the xbox.

So, those are the things to keep me going. While I become strict with myself and start saving money properly. I want, each time payday rolls round to put 500 away in my isa. With the rest of the cash, I would mean only to spend a minimum of 100 a month. On food and stuff. I can allow myself a maximum of 200 if need be. For example a friend comes to stay or something.

I need to save, otherwise in two years, I'll stilll be maintaining the status quo and not acieving much else. A shame I would feel.

I'm nearly thirty. Nearly half way to sixty. I must start getting a good financial bit of security behind me. It bothers me greatly that I don't have it now.

Anyhow, matter not. All needed will be.

I'll chat later, probably back in London town. Back to work I go...

Meh.

Ireland.

I'm still here and as the weather has gotten worse the last day, it's probably about time I wrote a post. Even if brief.

What have I done with myself?

Firstly, enjoyed the craic. As you do when in Ireland.
I've been for a good ol' ball and chalk round town. Also enjoyed a nice one out of town toward some wind farms. The countryside in Ireland cannot be beat. It also has some of the cleanest air of anywhere I've been. Love it.

Had a round of golf thew first day here and got a little sunburned. It was really that hot, quite unusual for this part of the world.

I've also been indulging in eating plenty of food. Yum yum yum... It's my holiday and I'm allowed.

This particular town has also finally gotten it's own Indian restaurant. To which I've heard some of the locals say various things.

"I've never eaten Indian food before."

"I don't think I'll have any, it's too spicy."

"It'll be better than the Chinese."

To me though, as a London lemon squeezer, it's old hat. I love a good Indian. I love a good anything. We are fortunate to have it all. Well, a great deal of what the world has to offer.

Yesterday I went out with me mates bird. No, not that "out" just enjoying the craic, which meant sitting at the pub drinking. I was reasonably sozzled after 5 pints. Thought I might lose my dinner because of it, but I didn't. I've not been out drinking like that for ages.
One of the things that is immediately apparent to me as an outsider to these parts is how many people know each other here. I walk out the door with me mate and you'll stop at least a half dozen times to talk to people you know. That never happens in London. Never. You just stare at your feet and if someone does talk to you, they either want money or their a bit mad. But that's London.

One of the other interesting things is how quickly you discover the dislike of the English round these parts. In almost every other thing they say, it's a dig at the English.

"Can you spare us a fiver for a drink?" Some one will ask.

Replying, half jokingly a gentleman from the south said "I don't have any of the Queens money, I use euros".

It's interesting. Although something I'm used too, I lived and worked with a large man from Cork for two years. "English pricks" he'd say with utmost affection.
I miss the old boy I do.

Although, I often feel that the Irish like a bit of a scrap and they say these things, half because they really don't like the English and half because they want to have a bit of ruff an tumble. You've just got to chuck it back in a good sport kinda way. But those are merely my observations.

I would love to travel Ireland and see if there's a place here that I would feel comfortable moving too. It really is a lovely place and I do love the people. Genuinely friendly and welcoming, even to those they can't stand. Which says buckets I think.

It's a grand place, sure. Great craic.

I might even be out drinking again tomorrow with my mates bird. Although that would depend on her now. But she's Irish so likes a drink. So do I, my time in China saw to that indeed.

Anyway, ciao a tutti.

Leaving for Ireland.

I'll be gone in about 15 minutes.

My mate as trying to get his internet connection sorted out the other day. I don't know if he's succeded yet. So I might not be blogging or anything for a week. However, I'll try and get some pictures of Eire whilst I'm there.

Erm... what else?

Not much really. I've got packing down to an artform now. I'm done in about 20 minutes. It's only a week anyway.

One I inted to enjoy. Work will be far far away and all the other hassles of life. Touch wood.

Right. Probably be back here on Friday the 15th.

Ciao regazzi. civediamo.

The five year old in me.

Is very excited today. I caught some new clips from the Transformers movie, out in less than 30 days, I'm buzzing.



I like the way I can still get excited about simple things. It very much reminds me I'm alive and well. I never want to get old. Much like the mate I'm going to see in Ireland tomorrow. Yay! Holiday...

I just read my horoscope from Jonathan Cainer. It seems to reflect this well.

We all struggle to be sensible. We all strive to be safe. Yet we all aspire to be inspiring. How are we supposed to find reason in a clearly crazy world full of glaring inconsistencies. Or experience security on a planet that we have arrived on suddenly, without explanation. And from which, in theory at least, we could suddenly depart at any moment. If we are not here to enjoy the colour, the atmosphere and the silliness of it all, What have we come for? Worry less. Enjoy yourself more today.

Yeah.

Realistically, there's not much for me to enjoy. But, there are still things I can enjoy. By George I will. Dunno who George is, or why 'by him', but there you go.

I feel like someone without a specific sense expecting it to apparate on him. Suddenly wake up and see. Even though the realities might be a little different.

But I still have my faith.
Everything is change, I'm sure the human race is due for a sluffing of the old skin soon.

Anyway, my plan for today.

Get my bag ready for tomorrow, I'll finish work come home and change and head off to the airport. My flight leaves at about 8pm. I'm really looking forward to seeing my friend again and getting to play xbox.

Thankfully, with xbox live and the current trends showing themselves it looks soon that we'll be able to participate in online story mode, rather than just team battles, together either though we're not in the same room.

We might get to play Halo3 the way we played Halo2 together when he lived up the road from me. Those were good days. I'm looking forward to having some more of those soon...

The five year old in me is buzzing deep within. Glee...

Simple pleasures...

Transformers spoof.

I adore these. If you loved transformers and enjoy spoofs or stuff like robot chicken.
Go to DrSmoov's profile and have a look. There's about 5 in all. Dead funny.

Watch them, you wont regret it. Genuine laugh out loud stuff.

Sunday...

Didn't get up to much today, had my walk. A long walk. It was nice.
I decided to pop into hmv and buy a dvd.

I had a long look and found Ice Age 2, picked it up, queued, was nearly my turn to be served. I reached into my bag for my wallet and found...

No wallet.

Ah.

It then hit me I'd left it in my jacket which was hung on the back of a chair in the house.
So I had to walk back past everyone behind me, replace the dvd and leave. Feeling silly.

I've never in my life forgotten my wallet before. Never.

It was a first. I hate going home and then having to go out again, especially for forgotten things.

Step by step.

Where have you walked to today? Did you walk to the car? Did you walk down the road and see a friend.
Where will you be walking to? A day from now, a year and on.
Where did you walk when you were little? To the beach? To the front room? To a friends house?

It occurred to me yesterday, something quite simple. You've probably realised it yourself at some point in your life.

But I am literally walking to my last day on this planet. My last day of life. My life is all the footsteps, either side of the sit downs, I will ever make. We all walk to our very definite future.
Every single step I take, is like one little piece of sand falling into the bottom of the hour glass. Each and every step.

We walk to destinations. We will walk to the finite place of our being.

It's interesting. It's inescapable. My feet are carrying me to the end of my life. I'd never really thought of it as being a destination. I don't even know how I will get there. But I will get there.

I've left a trail of footprints behind me, some I can see still, others are long gone from view and forgotten. With an invisible unforeseeable track ahead of me.

I cannot stop it either. I will walk, regardless if I'm going to fall, regardless of where I'm going. I will walk. It's the inevitable focus of our being. We will all go somewhere.

Even if it's to and from the same place like clockwork. I walk to work and back from work everyday. Each step is one less to the end of me. When I get up from my desk I will continue my march, to my very last step.

I am connected to the beginning and end. A passage, a hallway, with pictures of things and happenings. Such is life.

I suppose it's plainly obvious really. Each thing we do, is one step closer to whatever.

Whatever. I don't know where my feet are going to take me. But, I know where I stand now and perhaps, I should take a moment and sit down. The inevitable of my life will happen. So perhaps I should really make the most of now. This moment and not worry about what place I will go. I am going somewhere, that will be formed of the steps I take now. Maybe I should choose them now, rather than throw my thoughts far to the future, far into the unseeable. I cannot know my last step. I can only choose the ones I'm going to make now.

Step by step. Piece by piece. Letter by, yeah you know. Meh... idiosyncrasies of being me.

I've got a day off tomorrow. I need to take care of my back, it's in a bit of a bad way. So I'll go for a long walk tomorrow. I'll also, soon, be getting back to swimming. Yay... Probably after my holiday.

4 days before I jet off. Can't wait...

I hate titles.

I find it hard to think of one for each post, unless I'm inspired... wee woo...

While my fingers are typing here my eyes are wandering over to the tv set and to the dvd I'm currently watching.

Critters.

I've not seen it in years and I have fond memories of it. I also have 2nd,3rd and 4th movies to watch.

This is my small treat to myself, I buy myself lots of small treats. I s'pose that's cause there ain't much else going on for me. Yet... (sounds more optimistic if you allude to possibles beyond the currently stated, don't it?)

In the movie at the moment it's the two bounty hunters in the ship watching the video about Earth. There about to copy the appearances of the rock stars. Nice effects. It's like their faces are un-melting.

Anyway, lets have a look at me horoscope, I think it's apt at the moment.

What's the point in going all the way to one place, just to turn around and go all the way to somewhere else? Unless, that is, you are making deliveries. Or, perhaps, collecting things. We must be very careful before we ever allow ourselves to conclude that a venture or an expedition has been 'a waste of time'. If we have acquired but one small piece of information, it may all have been worthwhile. Don't focus too hard this weekend on the destination. Try to enjoy the journey.

That's apt, very apt. I have found myself on where I want to go, rather than where I am. I do often wonder what the point is of all this, it does feel like a seemingly pointless back and forth. Maybe there's something other that I'm missing?

Hmm, whatever it is, I'll have to put my eyes more on the ground beneath my feet than the horizon far ahead. The future will come, whatever it holds. So I might as well make the most of now.

Supposed to be asleep.

I've been up for two hours, or at least awake for two hours. I'd have prefered to have been sleeping, but my back is hurting and it's kept me up.

Plus the stress of that stupid 80's hair cut women.

They say one thing, then another. As and when it suits them.

Stinkers. I don't want to work today and I'm hopinh I'll be able to see my line manager. I really don't want this admin post anymore.

Bleurgh.

Lot's of coffee today I think...

Although, on the bright side 4 days work left before holls. Less than a week. Hope it goes quick.

Right, my alarm went off, it's 5:15am and I gotta go to work.

bleurgh.

Xbox.

I took my xbox thoroughly wrapped up with the UPS label on front to Tottenham court road drop in place.

I had a little difficulty finding it at first, it's tucked away in the back end of several shops. I just saw the signs at the back as I was walking by for the second time.

I approached the counter and there were several people gangling about, probably working while I stood and waited. Eventually a guy turned to me and mumbled "I'll be with you in a minute."

I was about to get all cross, but thought 'nah, they've probably had a hard day. Let it fly.'

He finished what he was doing looked at me and said "How can I help you?"

"I've got a package to drop off for UPS." I plonked said package on the desk, he looked at it and his very first word was...

"Xbox?"

I just laughed.

"That's the 10th one this week" he said.

"I've only had the bloody thing two weeks" I replied.

I wish I'd have asked him now if he'd had many ps3's come through. I guess he'd have said none.

Microsoft, Microsoft Microsoft... you hurt me at work and you hurt me at play...

Uurrghghurggh...

Yeah... That's how I feel right now.

I've gotta get off my jacksie in a minute and drop off my xbox to ups so it can begin it's journey to be fixed. Still can't believe I only had it 10 ish days before it died. That has to be the worst record ever for a piece of hardware.

I had an ok-ish day at work. We have that lady back who used to do the admin before I arrived on the scene. She must have gotten off to 4 wrong foots with me this morning. She's a nice person, she was just frantic with worry and shooting bullets off all over the place.

"You haven't printed them out yet!?!" She insisted at me, having only been sat there 60 seconds and still waiting for the piece of cr*p that is the computer to boot up.

I sat there and raised my hackles "I'm still waiting for the computer..."

Then there was another few things she went on about, but I think I've blocked them from my mind.

Trying to get the paperwork done with her was a nightmare. She seemed oblivious to the most obvious things and would speak in terrible generalities.

"Have you finished them yet?" She asks.

"Finished what yet?" Thinking of the three possible parts that that could refer to.

No answer.

"Finished what yet?" I asked again. I then trailed off into my "'Rrrr...' aggravated I'm going to sit by this computer and get very shirty with you now" mind set.

In any case, as far as I know, we got all we needed done. I think...

I had to laugh this morning as they weer trying to find the keys for the wallbox, which holds all the other keys. Including the ones for the safe which hold the keys for the cash office, which we need. Great.

The new section manager from another shop and herself, 4 foots wrong lady, were trying to find out where the keys were for the wallbox. They did scramble about the place in a frantic worry. It resulted in our 80's haircut boss being disturbed in bed at 6:15am and she'd gotten to bed at 2am. So that came round to bite me in the arse.

"I'm very disappointed with you Red Robin."

"Well, as I understood it, I'm not supposed to hold keys to that box." I replied. "The managers and shift leaders are the ones who do."

"Yes, but the white Russian holds a key so you should have done a clean swap over. This is very disappointing"

... and blah blah blah. I really don't care. Too many rules and too much bureaucratic mumbo jumbo.

Looking forward to my holiday. On the 6th. Should've booked it so I skipped the Monday. That's going to be the real hell to pay day. It really will be. It's the day with the most things to change within admin.

Bleh!

I need to do something else within the shop.

By the way.

It's finally happened, well, gradually. I now go to bed when it's still light and wake up when it's light. I no longer see stary skys.

Not that I could really see that many stars here in London in the first place.

Nice day.

I know I had a nice day, because work flow by very quickly.
I didn't even notice it.

I have to talk about how I currently feel, because I'm all excited now. The big kid in me wants to play and I must indulge.

1. Holiday soon. Yay! A week today. I'll be at the airport for about 5pm. All ready for the flight at about 8pm.

Cannot wait.

2. Xbox will be fixed soon enough. Phew, although it's a bit rubbish the way it only lasted ten days before the red ring of death showed up.

3. That touch screen stuff got under my bonnet. The future's gonna be so cool.

4. I'm making money and I will be travelling or doing something fantastic with my life in under a couple of years.

5. I might start swimming again. I've missed it and am looking foward to getting back into the groove. Better yet, the pools a minutes walk from work. Swimming after work, it's like I used to do in China.

6. Well, I'm just all excited generally. Had a good day. Things are far from perfect, but things will change and move on.

So, now to take a deep breath.... annddd... relax.

Mmm... I feel all warm and fuzzy.

Microsoft surface.

I'm not a huge fan of ms most of the time, but, I will give them this. They have the clout to do some pretty amazing things.

Also check out this link.

Give it five years or so and these things will be common place. The future's gonna be nuts. Can't wait!

Bored.

Nobody needs to tell you, but you know. Suddenly, something changes and you just know that A will lead to B.

Like me now. Very bored. Xbox broke and there ain't flip all to do around this place. I feel like I've lost my mojo. Yeah baby.
I'm not saying that the xbox is my mojo, I just have little else to well up from the depths of my life at the moment.

I've given myself two years of making dosh, then I'm allowed to run amuck on planet Earth. Two years... a long time to do a 2 to 6am job. Wonder what next?

I'm very much aware that my life is going to change in big ways in the near future. Not the kind of from me changes, but rather those inevitable changes from life external. I will have to adapt. I will have to work. I will need to make money. Have a direction and purpose, something I want. 'Want' being very important, without that, you're just kinda wafting.

I'm stagnant water at the moment, I even smell a bit like stagnant water at the moment. Still no hot water, although I did wash down my smellier bits this morning before I headed out into the outside world that is London Town.

Oh yeah, no sooner had I mentioned that the weather was nice in my post this morning than the sky opened up and poured like you'd never seen before. There was also hail. I had my clothes on, shoes and bag at the ready and looked out the window. Bleurgh!

So I had to wait till that let up. I have no rain coat or brolly. I should at least buy a brolly.

Blimey I'm bored. I'm looking forward to a few days in Eire with me mate. He's actually here at the moment, he's not called, he said he would, but then he always says that. Such are his idiosyncrasies.

Urggghhhh....

What to do with my body? Something constructive I think...

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

A very fine astrologer indeed.

Is a new day really dawning? Well, why should it not be? Does not the sun rise afresh every morning? We take this for granted, not least because it happens whilst most of us are still asleep. If we could only perceive it for the miracle it truly is, we would wake from our slumbers in a state of divine rapture and inspired appreciation day after day, after day. A new day can dawn for you now. All you have to do to help that happen is to focus on what you feel grateful for, not what you resent.

Yeah. That's a nice one.

It's a bit of negative word to end on "resent", but like what he interprets from the stars say "what you feel grateful for". Indeed.

Quite a lot in my life.

It's also a sunny day.

Now to phone up the xbox customer support and use my manufactures guarantee. Valid for one year from day of purchase enabling free reapairs or replacement for the hardware. Which I forget about sometimes as I don't usually buy that much new hardware.

Now I've got everything I need, apart from the receipt. Ah! Where the heck did I put it? Did I chuck it in the bin? I really hope not...

Better start looking.

Before I go to bed.

Soon, so very soon...

The Xbox 360.

I'm English, if I spend most of my time doing anything on a cold wet windy day. It's playing on my lovely Xbox 360. Pretty much like any 30-ish year old male in England would do.
Yes, when the weather is absolute pants and I'm stuck for something to do, the xbox is a saving grace. It really really is.

I love my xbox, why just this morning I was thrashing the pants off of several Americans during a first person shooter. The name of which I can't remember. It's not important. I was having a grand old time unleashing hordes of death to my cousins across the pond.

In fact I'm really looking forward to joining forces with my mate in Ireland and wrecking some havoc in a virtual world at some point in the near future.

So, onto my conversational topic of the moment.

My Xbox 360 just upped and topped itself.

I was in the middle of playing the demo for Splinter cell and I reached a critical checkpoint.

The console froze.

So I waited...

... and waited...

... and waited...

Nothing.

I turned it off and turned it back on. Oh dear, I thought to myself noticing that the circle of light was now a doomly red colour. I knew instinctivly that something was horribly horribly wrong. We English 30 something males have that ability. Having been born around the time of the first immerging consoles.

It's in our blood.

So, I sit upstairs now. In my very cold room, wearing more clothes than I care to. Smelling like a yaks arse having not washed since Saturday (Thank you burst heating pipe). Needing very much to do something with my time on this somewhat shabby dull depressingly cold and bleak day.

I knew when I got my xbox, that that little sound, that tiny little "eeh eek" sound it made on occasion was a horrible portent of things to come.

I knew it.

In fact, it's quite probably karma, I did after all kill my original xbox and leave it in Italy. Perhaps it's spirit was out for revenge. If so, boy has it got it.

Cold, bored and smelly. That sums me up right now.

Meh.

I'll have to get it to the repair guys...

The weather.

I'm English, if I spend my time speaking about anything, ever, it's about the weather. Much like any English person.

When I'm stuck for conversation, I talk about the weather.

It's the basis for pretty much any conversation starter in this country. It'll get a mention at some point during a chin wag.

So, on to my conversational piece for today.

The heatings bust. A heating pipe burst, one of the main pipes gthat feed our estate in little ol' London town.
I found out before anyone else did. I even got to use the very last of the "hot" water when I showed at 5:15am before going to work.

Guess when it decided to burst. On a warm bright sunny day, Fabulous. No trouble I thought.

The very next day. Cold, wet and windy. As it's been and remained for the last few days. Just when some heating would have been welcomed in this now very cold house.

Meh. I also need a shower. Meh. I'll brave it later...

To express.

Is what I feel the need for at the moment. In fact, perhaps to turn inward and listen to myself. Feel my heart beat. Observe the seasons within myself.

I've another two days off. I'm going to relax and do nothing. I absorb quite a lot of crud. I also feel that I am unaware of this as well. Which is both good and bad.

So, a little rest is what I need. But only a little. Soon again my life will belong to another purpose beyond my control. My zombie life.

A zombie life. Hmm. Thankfully all is change and is ever changing.

One foot follows the other. One word after another, a sequence not making sense until you reach that full stop.

Lets see.

Back to life.

I agreed to do a comedy course with my mate.

Four lessons ending in a performance at a club somewhere. To be honest, I really don't feel like doing it, I didn't feel like doing it when I booked it. I just said "why not?" and did it. My heart wasn't there.

So why am I so caught up on it?

Could it be that I feel bad for standing my mate up? Nah. Not really.

Might it be that somewhere deep within there lies a little bit of my old performing self in there, that just wants to get out? ERm, maybe... but I do not feel it.

Am I lacking in something that I want? Dunno, can't be sure. There's a lot that I want. All of many things in many places I say.

I didn't go to the last one either, so I believe I've missed three. Of course, one of the things on my mind is that I can always do some comedy at any point I want. I only need to book a five minute gig. No trouble really. So whatever I do, or not, the option will always be there, so it's all good.

So, if I really don't want that, then what?

I've been entertaining notions of living far far away again. I'd love to live on a chain of islands somewhere. Go scuba diving, swim, enjoy the beach, stary skys, long sunny days.

But, I need to find out how. Although, that usually takes care of itself I've found. I lived in China and Italy, so I know it can be done.

Horoscope time methinks. From Jonathan Cainer...

If you can see the end from the beginning, you probably aren't planning to make much of a journey. Unless, just possibly, you are standing at the top of a mountain and your destination is another peak in the far distance. Then, by the time you've made your descent, travelled through the intervening valleys and ascended all over again, you will have passed through much challenging territory. Be adventurous now. Set yourself a goal you are not sure you can reach.

Hmm, a goal I think I cannot reach.
Outer space, nah, one day I will go, especially when it is cheaper and technology has come along.
Island life, like I just mentioned.
Getting into space and fighting some kind of intergalactic space battle.
Writing a book.

I dunno...

Hmm, thinky thinky...

D'oh!

Around the first of the month, whilst at blerk (work) business was the main conversational topic for a brief moment.

"Red Robin, you have to go to a meeting on the 23rd." The white Russian told me a few weeks ago.

"Oh, what about?" I asked.

"It's a once monthly meeting to discuss the administration at the shop. You get marked green for good, red for bad."

"Hm, sounds simple enough" I said feeling rather apprehensive about it. I'm not a huge fan of meetings.

Fast forward to today.

"Red Robin, you know about the something something something meeting today, don't you?"

"Yes" I replied, really having wanted it to be swept under the carpet and forgotten about.

I knew I had to leave at 12, I knew I would have to find the place. Which I did, just in the nick of time.

It wasn't that hard to get to from where I was.

I walked into the shop and signed in as a guest, I was then free to move around. I had with me my backpack with the black file holding all the paperwork the White Russian gave me. I knew nothing much of what was in it though. Just rubbish old paperwork.

I was shown upstairs to where the gentlemen I was supposed to meet was. I peered through the window and saw him, not what I'd expected, going on what everyone had been describing him as. I opened the door and walked in.

"Hello, how was your journey?" He asked.

"Oh, it was alright, just came straight up from blah blah"

He turned to his computer screen and said "Right, do you have the EJ sheets?"

I just looked at him and suddenly felt like Homer Simpson when he's sitting down being asked some questions.

'Uh oh, something was said, not sure what it was, wait, no one's speaking better say something fast'

"Er, which file would they be with?" I had to ask. Not having a clue what he was on about. The training I've had does not cover any of this fancy lingo.

He just looked at me and I not really being able to articulate myself any better than Homer. I started fumbling through the various files within the folder and decided to just take them all out. I felt a bit of a nonse sat there.

He gave up on me and wait for the paperwork that I'd spread out before us. He grabbed a file and opened it up. He looked through it. "Where's the blah blah?" He asked.

'uh oh, he's talking more, I really wish I hadn't drunk all that tea earlier. Ohhh, what time is it now, I've still gotta stay here. I'm hungry, man I wish I had a burger round about now. Mm, nice juicy burger.'

I really didn't know what the hell he was on about. I also started to get a little angry with the white Russian. Why would she have dumped this on me, when quite clearly she knew what was involved and knew I didn't know anything about it at all.

The lady in the office before I left has said "That's not on really, she shouldn't be sending you out. She's had the training, you don't know what anything is."

How right she was. I can only imagine the hell that awaits me tomorrow. Plus the figures didn't balance today.

sigh...

I can only hope to pull a Homer-esque performance and save my skin through sheer ineptitude.

Or grin and bear it. I've got three days off soon... Yay... Then a holiday... yay... Then more blerk... neigh....

Night.

Tired.

I have no energy today, I just want to lay down and sleep. Although I'd rather not do that on my precious day off work. Especially when it's this sunny today.

I was drifting off on the tube ride home today. I'd decided that I needed some exercise and so walked from my house to oxford street. About 6 miles in all. I'm not quite as fit as I used to be though. It wore me out, whereas before it never did and that was the full 12 mile round trip, unlike today.

I finally got round to buying 2 albums from 'TV on the Radio'. Well worth it. I've not had new music for some time.

Hmm, I've also done something I really wish I hadn't done now. I broke the one rule I really wanted to keep, but in a brief fit of crazywazyness I've given out the url for this blog to a few people. There's one who has it that I really don't mind having it at all. There are others though, I kind of wish didn't know about this. I'd succomed to a brief lapse in myself. Now I'm feeling that I might have clipped my wings slightly, I can't quite write about all that I want to now in the way that I want to. This should have stayed private.

Che sucede, sucede.

I am really tired, my eyes feel heavy, my body is heavy and I've no will or get up and go. I could lie down and sleep. I think an early night is in store for me.

But, as I mentioned yesterday evening I've got three days off and a weeks holiday coming up. A little respite from blerk (work).

I'm also quite bored at the moment. It's nice to have Tuesday off, but no one else does. So on my own I am. I also have to share the living space with my mum. Who doesn't mean to, but usually drives me round the bend.
I really need my own place, I really cannot afford my own place. I'll probably end up buying property in Bulgaria or some other place. As homes there can go for about 10 grand. Which, I could afford in a few years or so. Do it up, flog it for more buy another and so on. Climb the ladder. However, I'm sure that would be hard work in itself and am a long way off from even looking at spending that type of money on something that far away. Italy would be nice, but so many flippin English people (before you go nuts, I am English so can say so) are buying stuff and pushing the prices higher.

Darn them.

I feel stuck in a box at the moment. I have no way out that I can see. Ah well...

Time passes and I get a little older...

... and balder.

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

"Next time you go on eBay, try running a search for sackcloths and ashes. You won't find many for sale. Nobody is wearing them anymore. They are so out of fashion that there is not even a second-hand market. 'Guilt, darling, how very 20th century. We don't do that sort of thing anymore.' Actually, we do. We do far too much of it. The world would be a better place with a little less self-flagellation and a little more constructive action. Forget your worries and regrets now. Just be glad of what's possible."

Yeah...

There's plenty of time. Also, on another note, I might get back round to writing again, I've been sparten to these pages recently. There's also a few things to get off my chest.

On a positive note before I dash to bed, I'll have three days off of work starting the end of saturday afternoon. Yep THREE whole days.

I've already worked the two compulsary bank holidays for the year. So I don't have to do the third. Yay!

I sorely need a rest. I have to get myself back, I've been running on low.

Beddy bye time now.

Night.

Saying goodbye.

I woke up today at 5:10am I immediately felt a twinge of guilt knowing full well I was going to skip work to see my lady in Cambridge.
My plan was to call in sick, after planting a couple of "I don't feel to wells" to a couple of staff. I believe I'll get away with it. Probably not twice though. Although I wont need to do it again. My reasons, as I'm sure you're aware, were a one off.

I fell asleep briefly after, I woke, but I'd set my alarm to get me up for 6:10am. I'd promised my lady I'd be at Cambridge as early as possible. I arrived at about 8:50, she was going to meet me there, at the train station when I arrived. I'd missed her at first, I had to sue the loo. I got outside and she appeared behind me.

I turned and smiled "Hi..."

She smiled back "Hey, why did you miss me? I waited for you outside the toilet."

I looked at her and said "Sorry, I didn't catch you. I didn't see that you were outside."

I reached out my hand and held hers, she was cold to the touch. "Hao ma" I asked. I'm alright she said.

"What did you do yesterday, how was the club?" I carried on.

"I went to the club two days ago" She said, quite annoyed that I didn't remember. "It was alright, I drank 6 bottles of after shock and a one pan"

"A pan?" I asked.

"Yeah, I drank one pan of beer" She replied.

"What's a pan?" I asked her, not really sure what she was on about.

"It was that word you taught me the other day at the pub." She said to me.

"Oh, a pint" I clarified for her.

"Yeah, I drank 6 bottles of after shock and a pint", she carried on. "Nice" I said, "Jiu ren".

She just smiled back saying "I had a good time".

"I'm pleased" She's young and wants to have fun, I thought, fair enough.

We walked up the road toward the town centre away from the station. We stopped at a place called "tatties". We had some tea between the two of us. I hadn't had breakfast and ordered a fry-up. The guy behind the counter was from Poland. I said to him while paying for my breakfast "Gene dobrei" he looked and smiled back, "Everyone knows at least one word in Polish" he said.

I sat back down with the lady and she began to tell me everything that happened to her.

"When I wake up in the morning I open the curtains wide. I love it here in the morning." She told me, watching me fork another mouthful of beans and bacon into my mouth. "What are those birds called "Blue titties?" She asked.

I nearly choked on my food. Laughing I said "Blue titties! hahaha... No, they're called blue tits" I looked at her and in a hushed voice with a bite of sausage on the end of my fork said "Titties are these" as I discretely pointed them out for her.

"Oh..." She said. I laughed, but she didn't really appreciate it.

When we were done there she wanted to head out and buy some stuff for her friends and family. As is ever the problem, you're restricted to where you are and what shops are there. So it can be hard to buy things for others.

"What can I buy for my dad?" She asked while the sky decided to allow a little rain to fall.

"I'm not sure" I replied, "what things does he like?".

"He likes kitchen stuff" We walked into the shopping centre as the rain decided to get a little heavier. She saw a picture shop with various things. From movie stars to wall hangings. She picked out one that had some red flowers on it. Then looked at another, she asked me which one I prefered. I told her the red one, she agreed.

"It's to remind my dad of me" she said.

She paid for the picture while I looked at some badges with slogans on them.

'Boss', 'Who's your daddy', 'Students do it better' were some of them.

I noted, a banjo playing 'Kermit the Frog' in a cabinet and some 'betty boop' figures as well. As she walked over and held my hand. She led me out.

We ambled round the shops looking for various things. We popped into an Oxfam shop, which brought back a lot of old memories. As I'd been a volunteer at one for about 7 years. She was looking for a book to buy her friend. But wasn't sure of what to buy for her.

"What's a good book?" She asked, "Not fiction though".

I wasn't sure, because the only thing that I've read recently is Harry Potter, with that I replied "It would really depend on the person. I couldn't say for sure to be honest".

She browsed around a while longer and eventually found a couple of worthy candidates, I didn't take an interest in what though, I was looking for fairtrade chocolate eggs. Yum.

To be continued... (because it was a long day)