Behind the till.

I spend some of the day, about half usually, behind the till. Serving, smiling and saying "yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir".

As it's London I live in, I meet most people from most parts of the world at most times during the day. Nice in many ways, although I get a little "home sick" at times. Yeah, even though I am home. Bizarre.

A lady came to the till this afternoon, she was Asian in appearance and spoke English well. But I could tell from her accent English wasn't her mother tongue.

"Where are you from?" I asked.

"China." She replied.

I immediately sprang into action.

"Ni hao". I said, she looked quite surprised. "Ni hao ma" I asked (How are you?) scanning her items through the till.

"Well." She said in English. "Do you study Chinese?" She asked as I was getting through her purchases.

"Wo shi yingwen laoshi zai haerbin" I replied (I was an English teacher in Harbin).

"Your accent is very good". She complimented me. "How long were you there for?"

"I was there for a year" I answered, feeling the need to speak in English now as she wasn't speaking in Chinese. I finished packing the bags and told her how much she owed.

"How long have you been back?" She asked looking through her purse for the money.

"Over a year now."

"Your accent is very good. My husband is French, but he has great trouble with the accent. He's been studying a long time, but can't manage it".

I felt pleased that I'd kept it in good stead.

She handed me the money and I her change and said goodbye.

The white Russian.

That's what it means, the name of the place she is from, "white Russian". Interesting I thought.

She's married to a guy from Estonia, who's also a Virgo, just like me. She's a Piscean. An attractive lady, who thinks she's fat. But to be honest she's as thin as a rake.

"When I come to England I become very fat." She's tell me in her bad grammer. "When I go back to Russia I will be thin. I look at her agape.

"Thinner than you are now?" I reply.

"Yes, now I am so fat, I don't like it." I wonder after she says that if she's got some form of eating disorder or is it simply the way that they view themselves from that neck of the woods. Possibly.

We work together most of the day and to be honest with you, I find myself checking her out most of the time. She is an attractive lady and if there ever were the chance to be a bit naughty, I'd probably take it. Although the good person in me jumps in and intervenes now and then. Even though I don't really care for marriage and stuff like that.

But normally we just have a laugh and a joke. We've had some great giggles in the cash room. We'll do something silly and be in stitches for about 5 minutes. The other day she secured a bag, with a unique tag, each with it's own number. Each time you seal and open a bag with it, it needs to be recorded in a book. Signed, dated and sealed.

We had to do it five times.

She forgot to put the cash back in the bag each time. It was the craziest thing. We laughed harder each time we had to re-seal and sign the book. The tears did stream.
I jokingly said "Everyone's going to think I've upset you the way your mascara is running." We just sat there and laughed. I appreciate those moments, I only wish she wasn't married, I think to myself during those times. We get on quite well.


I know, now that I'm older and I've spent years with myself, that when I like the smell of a lady, it very much means I am attracted to her. It's this deep in-built natural thing that overcomes me. I can smell her when she's in the building. I know if she's just been round a certain way, I can smell it. It's such a powerful thing smell.

Me and her, it's never going to be though. I've also learnt that sometimes it's dangerous to get what you want. It can mean so many more things than you can foresee happening.
But during my moments it would be so nice to be closer to her.

Well, anyway. A look over the fence to that forbidden fruit, probably an added attraction. She's unobtainable and thus seen as more prized.

I think I simply have to enjoy things as they are. It isn't going to change and I'm not going to pursue the white Russian. More trouble than it's worth.

All the guys at work like her and I think she enjoys the attention. Who wouldn't?

I feel good today.

I think, in some small ways, I'm really beginning to appreciate being put under pressure. It's these times that I see myself, or at least that bit of me that I keep tucked up and hidden. My weaker parts. When their exposed and roughed about, it really does bother me. But it's only then that I can see it for what it is. Analyse and understand it.

While I sit here, my mind is wondering. I've been drifting off into space with those words above sat here.

It's occurred to me that I will never meet most of all the people in the world. I will live out my entire life only ever having met, maybe a thousand people. If that. Getting to know only a few so well. I have a few friends that I have known now for more than 5 years. To hold such a view so limited in scope and to wonder the wider world and all those that live and breath. The ones who also call this place home. It's a strange thought.

I will never know all the people that live now. I will never know what they think, feel, talk about. Nothing, not one thing.

Anyway, back to my post and from my mental wanderings and wondering.

I feel peaceful today. Very peaceful, I'm definitely in touch with my deeper self right now.
I spent the last few night having real trouble falling asleep. I would jolt awake every time my eyes grow heavy keeping me awake. Fortunately I've suffered with this panic disorder so long now that I can keep myself in check. It never gets control of me any more, not in the way that it used to. It used to be so hard to deal with. Time makes it easier.

Back I'm as content as can be at the moment. It's peaceful in the house, which is wonderful.

I bought another bird feeder the other day. They have three in the garden now. It's really nice to sit by the back door quietly and still just watching the wee fathered ones come and go.
Then there's the pigeons who come by when the other birds are there. They've learnt that whilst they can't get to the seed in the bird feeder, they can get the seed that's knocked out by the other birds. They walk around underneath as they feed. It's an interesting sight.

Anyway, I've got my mind set on writing some more posts about the aspects of my work days.

Wednesday, mid-week-ish.

First to answer a question.

MikeP, neither of those.
There is only one film that I am quite literally dying to see.

Transformers.


Coming out on the 4th of July. Not the 7th of April as I originally believed. Being that there is that little difference between the American and English way of writing the calender.

American = month, day, year.

English = day, month, year.

I got my nethers in a tizzy thinking 7.4.7 meant April, forgetting all of the above.
D'OH!

It is a big world. Although, I would love to see tmnt, but I fear I'd be the only 30 year old in the building.
Speaking of movies. I'll be going to see Spidey 3 as soon as it's out. So pleased Venom is in show. It'll be nice to see how it all turns out for Peter Parker.

Anyway, back to my other mumblings for the day.

Work, work went as well as it could. I've really gotten my head around the stuff that's been plaguing me recently. but now there is just the small matter of getting cash to balance from the tills during the day. It can be a bloody great headache trying to find out what happened when the tills don't balance. Especially when those at head office get on your back with emails.

Although, I've given myself a step back. I've been far too serious about the whole thing. At the end of the day I can only do so much, I am only one guy and the training I've had and practice thereafter is barely reasonable. so, I don't care. I will try to find the troubles, but if it's that bad, what can I do?

Go home and forget about it is what. Not my problem.

My alarm clock woke me from a mad dream this morning, I was trying to have an affair with a lady. Hmm, I was also trying to drive a coach around a town, even though I can't drive and I didn't know how to get to where I was going.

There was also a snake and cat hanging off two electric pylons out by the train tracks behind my house. Which was interesting. Wonder what it all means?

Anyway, all in all. I feel well today, far better than the other day. Although I need to catch up on some sleep. I'm cream crackered.

May I have a moan?

I don't really want to. But you're really the only person who'll listen, or at least stop by and read. So if you don't fancy reading me moan, by all means ignore the rest of this post.

I don't really want to. I want to talk and chat about all those fantastic and fun things that are happening. But there aren't really many to chat about. My life at the moment entails me, going to work, coming home and sitting in front of a computer screen.

It reminds me of a song my Irish mate played to me written by an Irishman about the Irish who lived and worked in London. One of the phrases in it was "London, no ones home", something like that anyway. It does feel like that sometimes.
In many ways London is a fantastic place to live. In many ways it isn't. It would be best for those coming to visit because there is just so much to do. Provided you've got the time the money and the mates to do it with. Everything is so expensive. Everyone is always working. The only time anyone goes out is for big social occasions. Nothing really casual.

So at the moment, I'm lucky to go out and see friends once a week, if that. London is quite a lonely place for me at the moment. Quite a lonely large city.

I'm also annoyed because they've declined my first week that I wanted to have off in june. When I wanted to go to Ireland and see my mate, Which means, I have the rest of this month to book the last 1.2 weeks (whatever the hell point two of a week is) of my holiday. Otherwise it'll be assigned, or worst of the worst, I'll lose it. It happened to one of the girls at the shop already. They seem quite happy to keep you in work and give you the pay for that holiday week extra at the end of a working month. Bless 'em. It's all very well and nice getting extra cash, but I need time off. It's good for the old mind. Good for your health.

I'm just so angry at the moment. So feckin cheesed off. All of this would be eons easier to deal with if I had some pleasure in my life. At the moment I get by by going to the movies once in a while and meeting my friend one a month down the pub.

Spartan is my existence at the moment. Very bear. Very holed.

Meh.

I keep thinking about this horoscope from Jonathan Cainer today.

'That was then, this is now.' Repeat those words at regular intervals throughout the day please. The past is a quagmire, into which you will sink if you place so much as one footstep there. Leave it alone. Just because a particular precedent has been set, you are not obliged to spend the rest of your life adhering to this pattern. The braver, the more honest, the more open and above board your plan now is, the more likely you are to experience immediate impressive success with it!

That was then, this is now. I'm finding it very hard to raise my head above the "bleurgh" level. Quite hard indeed.

That was then, this is now, that was then, this is now...

Didn't want to moan, but there's little else to do right at the mo. As soon as the good stuff comes I'll be writing all about it.

Anyway...

Day off tomorrow. A little 'yay!'. What'll I do? Dunno, not much to do.

That was then, this is now. I must lift my spirits.

Meh.

Rested.

I feel much better this morning. When I woke up to a start at 3:30am on saturday morning I couldn't fall back asleep. Boy was I tired.

I dreampt I'd given a man some change, but he insisted that I'd not given him enough, even though I knew that I had I couldn't quite recall exactly what had changed hands.
Then a muscle in my right leg contracted and caused me to jump waking me up.

The two things combined, the stress of money and the twich made my heart jump. I couldn't fall asleep after that.
Also, the old imagination plays a part in it too. This pain in my left arm when I extend it or stretch it has had my mind doing loops. It's just the nature of me though. With not much else going on it's easy to focus on the little niggles that get you. But it's all good for the soul, it provides you with a deeper strength.

Something you don't realise or notice, because your feet are always feeling pain, you tend to think I can't be that strong. But, with time you get accustomed to it and can deal with it far better.
When you're next to somone else who has never dealt with these things before and you are both afronted by it, you discover that you have grown and can cope better than others. Even if there is no true 'better'.

Nature of things.

Anyway, I'm pleased it's sunday, even if work will come round quickly again. This whole year so far has simply sped by, I don't know where the time is going. I remember it was Christmas not long ago, then all of a sudden, it's nearly May.

It doesn't slow down the older you get.

Hopefully that'll mean the movie I've been waiting for for donkeys will be out sooner than I expect.