Raging on.

I was a little aggravated today. Just a little. My Russian companion was having a laugh, and in all honesty, I too participate in these shenanigans. I don't mind the laugh, but I do mind it when it involves the work you need to do.

She's started to keep certain things to herself without explaining them to me, for the laugh. Which to say is quite a "grrr" moment for me, as I need to know these things to do the job. But, I really think if I'm being grown up about it, that this would partly stem from me too. In the way that I handle the situation. We both kind of goad each other on.

I know why I do it as well, because I'm bored. My soul is restless, it needs something more. Fulfilment, that currently alludes me.

Something that really has taken a back seat to earning a wage and saving cash. So can I really blame my situation on the old paper chase? (Paper chase means making money, but you probably got that one, 'cause you're smart.)

There are the other usual work related "grrs" during the day between people. But that's all life I suppose.

Actually, I have to consider my relationship to all these "troubles" I'm having at the moment. It's probably more a reflection of the current me, than anything else. I need to balance myself out. Become more measured. True that I'm struggling with my want for more, but I need to find that deeper part of me. The part that can ease me through all this. Take me where I need to go.
I've set myself up for some interesting times ahead though. I said "yes", to something just to say yes. I didn't even really have a reason. So in about a month or two, I'll be trying to do some more stand up. I've done 5 gigs before, they were kind of ok. Some worse than others. But I've had time to reflect on the experience and I feel I can take another step out there, into the void...

Hopefully I can make a proper go of it and find my much needed "soulfood".

Anyway, off that topic I want to have a rabbit with me mate. (That means, for the guys across the pond "I want to have a chat with my friend") It's been a while. I also want ot find out what his plans are, as he lives in Ireland and I need to plan a trip out there to see himself again.

Which means booking a holiday and I have to book all four weeks, before the end of this month or they will get allocated for me. Nuts. That's also a big kick in the nads, but, there we go.

Right, back to "wilfing" on the net. I do a lot of that nowadays...

Here's to more fun in the future.

Rant aside.

Feel a little more peaceful now. I need to take all this on board and deal with it one step at a time. When you stare at the big picture it really freaks you out.

Still miffed though. but, there we go. Nature of the business.

Anyway, I've been thinking, this year, I turn thirty. The big three O.

I want to mark the occasion. I feel I need to. I would like to get another tattoo. But of what? I'm not entirely sure, but something meaningful to me.

Something to mark that little mile stone in my life. Something significant is what I need. I've never really let rip on my birthdays. I didn't have a big 18 bash. Didn't do anything spectacular for my 20th nor any others.

But for thirty, something significant needs to be done.

My life has been anything other than normal and dull recently.

Hmm, thinky thinky... Anyway it's nearly time for me Michael Winner.

GAGH!!!

I need to break free. I need to find some relief. I need some joy. I need some space. This is fast becoming 'blerk' once more. (Blerk being my term for work gone bad. More of a chore, less fun, you know, stinky.)

We have more to do now. MORE. On top of what is already a very hard job for the two of us. Even when we're both in.
They are expecting stuff to be emailed to them daily now. That's the figures for yesterday worked out and balanced, for all the tills. Which on a normal day is hard enough to achieve Adding to the fact that neither manager knows exactly what the job intails. So they look at you perplexed when you're still sat there doing work. "You've not finished?" They ask.

I struggle to do all that when the Russian lady is off.

The last two days we didn't even manage to do ANY paperwork at all. It was that busy. We had to do all the paper work and money counting today. Three days worth. It was crazy.

Then they pile this on, something new. So the fat bast**ds can enjoy looking at some more b****dy figures. GRRRRR...

Gawd bless 'em.

Sat in an ivory tower, picking their backsides clean. It does indeed pour when it rains.


I NEED TO LET LOOSE! I AM GOING CRAZY!

QUITE QUITE LOOPY! RAGHGHGHGLLRELRELRELR!!!!!

He looks around and says

"There's no escape".

It feels a bit like the time in Aliens when there quite literally everywhere.

Not even the "home" I'm currently sat in is a refuge.

Che merde.

Somewhere else.

Is where I want to be right now. I've had a bad day. Probably mostly because of me and what I'm unhappy about internally. My circumstances and life could be much better. They are not. It's also so easy to feel even worse when you are not happy within yourself and then the external factirs just amplify that.

How I would long for someone to express this too, although I wouldn't really express. I just want to meet someone that I can have a nice time with. I'm not a person that needs to b***h and moan unless there's no fun around.

Much like now.

If I had a little bit of joy at the moment it would push all the pony way out of the way. My troubles wouldn't matter one jot.

I know why I'm not happy, there's only one thing now that would make me happy and that I fear is very far away indeed.

So I have my laptop, a cup of tea (soon) and perhaps something to watch that I may allow my mind to drift away aimlessly. I need to be away from here at the moment. The house is full of people and I have no space in my room. It's full of junk.
Most of which I want and need to get rid of.

Probably early Sunday morn I'll get on to it. I hate moaning.

But there's no joy right at the moment. I'll see if I can go and find some...

Meh.

That's how I felt this morning. It matured into an okay feeling mid-work day. Then on the walk home it was a kind of me feeling. Just me.

I go to work, I fart about with numbers, have a laugh with my Russian mate and a little jovial banter with the others, then home. Where I'm very much plastered in front of my laptop.

I'm bored, I miss the life I had in China. It was really good. Great days they were.

Replaced with what I have now. It is progressive though. It is. Even if most of what is happening in the ol' life is a bit stuck in the mud. Much like the game I played as a kid.

Stuck in the mud. Whoever was it, would run around and chase the rest, if they tagged you, you were stuck in the mud. The nsomeone would have to crawl through your legs to free you.

It was great fun.

Unlike the mud I find myself in now though. Although, I wouldn't say it's not not fun, it's kind of in the middle. Wonder when someone'll go through me legs and free me?

Wishful thinking I reckon, I think I've got to bang away for a little longer.

Just a little longer. Just over that next hill there. Not much further to go before something nice comes along...

Meh.

Brush you say? Daft as?

There are many times that I find my mind to be quite exceptional. It does me great credit at times. I've solved and figured out some fairly horrendous troubles now and then.

Then there are those times where my mind is tempered with daftness. An utter lack of anything concerning grey matter. Like that pink fleshy thing that rests inside my skull has suddenly developed a chronic catastrophic meltdown.

So begins my little lesson, something I realised not hours ago as I lay awake in my bed.

Take please, these three numbers, in this order.

747

Does it mean anything to you? No. I'll add some more information.

7/4/2007

Yes, it's a date.

Now I'll ask you what date it is. All you have to do is read it.

Firstly, I'll ask my cousins across the pond what the date is, then I'll ask all the English english speaking people what the date is?

Will we get the same answer from the u.s. and the uk with this combination of numbers? 7/4/2007

No. We most certainly do not.

Americans have the month first, then the day, then the year.

In the uk it is the DAY first, then the month and then the year.
Thus followed my crushing realisation that the movie Transformers I've been raving about the last few weeks wont be out untill July. Mid year.

Catastrophic shut down of anything resembling an intelect. I tell ya, I don't know how I survive at all sometimes.