Back to life.

I agreed to do a comedy course with my mate.

Four lessons ending in a performance at a club somewhere. To be honest, I really don't feel like doing it, I didn't feel like doing it when I booked it. I just said "why not?" and did it. My heart wasn't there.

So why am I so caught up on it?

Could it be that I feel bad for standing my mate up? Nah. Not really.

Might it be that somewhere deep within there lies a little bit of my old performing self in there, that just wants to get out? ERm, maybe... but I do not feel it.

Am I lacking in something that I want? Dunno, can't be sure. There's a lot that I want. All of many things in many places I say.

I didn't go to the last one either, so I believe I've missed three. Of course, one of the things on my mind is that I can always do some comedy at any point I want. I only need to book a five minute gig. No trouble really. So whatever I do, or not, the option will always be there, so it's all good.

So, if I really don't want that, then what?

I've been entertaining notions of living far far away again. I'd love to live on a chain of islands somewhere. Go scuba diving, swim, enjoy the beach, stary skys, long sunny days.

But, I need to find out how. Although, that usually takes care of itself I've found. I lived in China and Italy, so I know it can be done.

Horoscope time methinks. From Jonathan Cainer...

If you can see the end from the beginning, you probably aren't planning to make much of a journey. Unless, just possibly, you are standing at the top of a mountain and your destination is another peak in the far distance. Then, by the time you've made your descent, travelled through the intervening valleys and ascended all over again, you will have passed through much challenging territory. Be adventurous now. Set yourself a goal you are not sure you can reach.

Hmm, a goal I think I cannot reach.
Outer space, nah, one day I will go, especially when it is cheaper and technology has come along.
Island life, like I just mentioned.
Getting into space and fighting some kind of intergalactic space battle.
Writing a book.

I dunno...

Hmm, thinky thinky...

D'oh!

Around the first of the month, whilst at blerk (work) business was the main conversational topic for a brief moment.

"Red Robin, you have to go to a meeting on the 23rd." The white Russian told me a few weeks ago.

"Oh, what about?" I asked.

"It's a once monthly meeting to discuss the administration at the shop. You get marked green for good, red for bad."

"Hm, sounds simple enough" I said feeling rather apprehensive about it. I'm not a huge fan of meetings.

Fast forward to today.

"Red Robin, you know about the something something something meeting today, don't you?"

"Yes" I replied, really having wanted it to be swept under the carpet and forgotten about.

I knew I had to leave at 12, I knew I would have to find the place. Which I did, just in the nick of time.

It wasn't that hard to get to from where I was.

I walked into the shop and signed in as a guest, I was then free to move around. I had with me my backpack with the black file holding all the paperwork the White Russian gave me. I knew nothing much of what was in it though. Just rubbish old paperwork.

I was shown upstairs to where the gentlemen I was supposed to meet was. I peered through the window and saw him, not what I'd expected, going on what everyone had been describing him as. I opened the door and walked in.

"Hello, how was your journey?" He asked.

"Oh, it was alright, just came straight up from blah blah"

He turned to his computer screen and said "Right, do you have the EJ sheets?"

I just looked at him and suddenly felt like Homer Simpson when he's sitting down being asked some questions.

'Uh oh, something was said, not sure what it was, wait, no one's speaking better say something fast'

"Er, which file would they be with?" I had to ask. Not having a clue what he was on about. The training I've had does not cover any of this fancy lingo.

He just looked at me and I not really being able to articulate myself any better than Homer. I started fumbling through the various files within the folder and decided to just take them all out. I felt a bit of a nonse sat there.

He gave up on me and wait for the paperwork that I'd spread out before us. He grabbed a file and opened it up. He looked through it. "Where's the blah blah?" He asked.

'uh oh, he's talking more, I really wish I hadn't drunk all that tea earlier. Ohhh, what time is it now, I've still gotta stay here. I'm hungry, man I wish I had a burger round about now. Mm, nice juicy burger.'

I really didn't know what the hell he was on about. I also started to get a little angry with the white Russian. Why would she have dumped this on me, when quite clearly she knew what was involved and knew I didn't know anything about it at all.

The lady in the office before I left has said "That's not on really, she shouldn't be sending you out. She's had the training, you don't know what anything is."

How right she was. I can only imagine the hell that awaits me tomorrow. Plus the figures didn't balance today.

sigh...

I can only hope to pull a Homer-esque performance and save my skin through sheer ineptitude.

Or grin and bear it. I've got three days off soon... Yay... Then a holiday... yay... Then more blerk... neigh....

Night.

Tired.

I have no energy today, I just want to lay down and sleep. Although I'd rather not do that on my precious day off work. Especially when it's this sunny today.

I was drifting off on the tube ride home today. I'd decided that I needed some exercise and so walked from my house to oxford street. About 6 miles in all. I'm not quite as fit as I used to be though. It wore me out, whereas before it never did and that was the full 12 mile round trip, unlike today.

I finally got round to buying 2 albums from 'TV on the Radio'. Well worth it. I've not had new music for some time.

Hmm, I've also done something I really wish I hadn't done now. I broke the one rule I really wanted to keep, but in a brief fit of crazywazyness I've given out the url for this blog to a few people. There's one who has it that I really don't mind having it at all. There are others though, I kind of wish didn't know about this. I'd succomed to a brief lapse in myself. Now I'm feeling that I might have clipped my wings slightly, I can't quite write about all that I want to now in the way that I want to. This should have stayed private.

Che sucede, sucede.

I am really tired, my eyes feel heavy, my body is heavy and I've no will or get up and go. I could lie down and sleep. I think an early night is in store for me.

But, as I mentioned yesterday evening I've got three days off and a weeks holiday coming up. A little respite from blerk (work).

I'm also quite bored at the moment. It's nice to have Tuesday off, but no one else does. So on my own I am. I also have to share the living space with my mum. Who doesn't mean to, but usually drives me round the bend.
I really need my own place, I really cannot afford my own place. I'll probably end up buying property in Bulgaria or some other place. As homes there can go for about 10 grand. Which, I could afford in a few years or so. Do it up, flog it for more buy another and so on. Climb the ladder. However, I'm sure that would be hard work in itself and am a long way off from even looking at spending that type of money on something that far away. Italy would be nice, but so many flippin English people (before you go nuts, I am English so can say so) are buying stuff and pushing the prices higher.

Darn them.

I feel stuck in a box at the moment. I have no way out that I can see. Ah well...

Time passes and I get a little older...

... and balder.

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

"Next time you go on eBay, try running a search for sackcloths and ashes. You won't find many for sale. Nobody is wearing them anymore. They are so out of fashion that there is not even a second-hand market. 'Guilt, darling, how very 20th century. We don't do that sort of thing anymore.' Actually, we do. We do far too much of it. The world would be a better place with a little less self-flagellation and a little more constructive action. Forget your worries and regrets now. Just be glad of what's possible."

Yeah...

There's plenty of time. Also, on another note, I might get back round to writing again, I've been sparten to these pages recently. There's also a few things to get off my chest.

On a positive note before I dash to bed, I'll have three days off of work starting the end of saturday afternoon. Yep THREE whole days.

I've already worked the two compulsary bank holidays for the year. So I don't have to do the third. Yay!

I sorely need a rest. I have to get myself back, I've been running on low.

Beddy bye time now.

Night.