My life.

After the last two years of living abroad my life of recent has been anything but fantastic. More of 'my god isn't time passing by quickly' and 'jee whizz, I ain't done much with meself'.

Not that that's a bad thing. I'm sure there are times in life that you need to charge up a certain amount of steam before you crack off in another more interesting direction. I feel like a horse in a pen looking out at all the surroundings and wanting very much to have a run, but can't.

A most frustrating thing.

In fact, the most frustrating thing is being who you are, being all that you are and unable to express it or live it. Not being able to run, not being able to laugh. Not being able to think. Just kept, like that horse in the stable. With a long face, no joke.

Like a bird in a cage longing to stretch its wings. Completely cut off from what you are and intended for. It's hard.

I almost look at myself in reflection and wonder what am I intended for. The ultimate answer of course, to look back and see what it all amounted to. I'm sure we all get some reflection back at our time of passing to wherever.

I cannot rationally judge for myself the purpose of my life. none of us can know this. In fact, it's quite a different state of being to any animal. They are formed as they are, they do what they do. It's a fairly simple life for them.
Humans on the other hand, have that little bit of something else. I don't really like saying that, I like to think that by pure state seen we are all equal.

But does an animal ever stop and ponder why? (However such a concept would be formed without the word) In fact, I'm sure some of them do. It may not be our plinth alone to stand upon.

Anyway. Why?

I do not have an answer to that question. I cannot answer it. right now at least. In China I could, I wanted to see and experience another part of this world and I did. That was my answer to the question 'why?' then.

But my answer to my current why isn't there. It doesn't exist. I suppose actually come to think of it, that it's simply to find one.
I know that i'm looking for a relastionship. I know I want that. In what form it may or may not come to be in, I'm not privy to such information, so cannot know. If I am ever to have such a thing, being the creature I.

I can preoccupy my mind with so much stuff, so much dust that I can blow up with my mind to obscure myself and my perceptions from absence of reason, in a reasonless universe. If there were a reason perhaps it's written down somewhere. Perhaps the center of existence there's a page that states why. Perhaps. Although that's probably just something an offshoot of random consiousness would think and imagine.

Time. Time, time, a long time. I very much wish to be free of this thing. This creation of ours. there is no time, we just made it up. I'd love to live in a culture that has no concept of time. That would be nice.

Time is that unbeatable thing. That vacum where only ourselves reside. Being that we are the only things there, it is only ourselves that give us the trouble. For whatever reason. We are our worst enemies.

I think I'm mine at the moment and I understand why that is.

There isn't much for me to do at the moment. No place to go. No person to see. I mean, I have my friends and I do go to see them. But this is rested gently on the top and doesn't offer me things beyond myself. It is comforting, yeah, but it doesn't fix the devil in me. That person that exists when I'm idle. I suppose that explains the saying "Idle hands make the devils work" or something like that.

I don't know why.

Although I do know that change is the only true eternal, oneday, why may stop existing. Things might change so. I'd better appreciate it whilst I can.

I feel like Daffy Duck surounded by all the black stuff falling in on him.

eh, at least it's a new day tomorrow and this job will end and I will meet new people and I will travel and see new and fantastic places one day. Yeah. Change will always happen.

So, I'll sit tight for the time being and wonder why...