Not here no more.

I look around and it's only me. It's going to be a while before I'm back up and running proper.

I miss her.

I hate this feeling.

I have to get this off my chest to feel a little better...

How many times in the last three years have I felt this way right now. More than I care for.

I am sad.

I'll write more later, I have a lot to write about, but I need a little time. I have a heavy empty heart at the moment.

I hate goodbye. The worst of times this is right now.

I need time.

Several things to get off my chest.

Although, as I sit here slouched on the sofa with the computer on my lap, there not too whopping, shall I say.

Firstly, I am going out tonight, I will be seeing some stand up comedy with a mate of mine. Part of the comedy-course I signed up for. I'm looking forward to being out and about.
However, I really don't feel like dong the course. I don't want to stand up in front a of a load of people and put myself on show. There's a small part of me that would love to be out there doing that. But, deep in me, I've got a large reserve. Whether it's because I've simply not had my toes in the water for quite sometime, I don't know. I'm just not up for it right now. I've got that feeling like I've agreed myself into a corner.

See how I feel about it on Monday.

Secondly, I'm bunking off work tomorrow. Shouldn't do it, but my reason is this. I will be seeing off my old flame back to China. She leaves at 4pm tomorrow and I want to be there. We were close again while she was here. If only for the shortest of times. Distance doesn't make it easy. I would have been happy to give it a go with her.
We've spoken about her coming back. Why her, and not me going there?

I really do not want to work in China again. That was one of the most stressful things I have ever done. I also need to make some money. I have nothing to my name and I sorely need to have a large financial cushion under my bum. I don't believe I can do myself any favours or anyone that is with me if I have nothing. I'll also make more money here. So...

I made the decision to stick this out and I have to. I really need to see where things go.

The weather's also manky and horrible today, and been so for the last few days. I miss the sunshine, it'll be nice when it's back.

I really hope it doesn't rain tomorrow. It'll be another stereotypically sad fairwell in the rain. I'm not keen on living sterotypes. I'm really not.

So I feel uneasy today, the lady leaves tomorrow, that makes me feel very sad. I'm bunking off work, I really don't want to because it means lying and I'm not really good for that at the moment. Hey ho. I've got this comedy course I'm feeling half hearted about, a bit of me's there, but which bit? Is it a true, deep honest to me bit, or just a fancy?

Old faces.

There's a lady who has been coming into my shop often. I looked at her each time thinking "I'm pretty sure that's whats her name from my old class". The class I had when I was about 5 years old.

Today she came to my till. I got about serving her, scanning the bar codes on the reader and I really had the urge to ask her if she was who I thought she was.

Then my eye caught the folder she placed on the till just under my nose. It was the name I remember and I asked "Can I ask you a question?"

"Yeah" She said.

"Are you wotsit?" I asked, her face broke into a big smile "You're red robin aren't you?"

"Yeah" I said. "You remember me."

"Your names on your name badge, how've you been?" She asked, even though in school we never spoke to each other or had anything to do with each other.

"well" I replied. I handed her her things and she said "I ave to go to college now, bye."

"bye" I said waiting for my next customer...

Horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

"By all means, conserve energy. Far too much is wasted and the world is suffering as a result. There are, though, other commodities in endless supply. We can have as much as we want to. They are self-replenishing and pollution free. Life, for example. Love. Or luck. For some strange reason, though, we often envisage them to be less freely available than petrol. Just as love comes back to those who give it out, good fortune finds its way to those who have faith in its existence - as you'll see today"

I'm still waiting...

I didn't want to let her go.

I looked at her and said "I'm living a stereotype." It was cold and dark, the sky was over cast with clouds. Her bike rested behind us next to the bench. The platform was all but empty aside from me, herself and a few others. The train was at platform two and was due to depart at 9:32pm.

"A stereotype?" She asked as I held her a little more tightly.

"Yeah, it's when you do something that's like something else" I tried my best to explain, "when you see movies, there's always a couple beside the train track, one is leaving, the other is staying. Just like you and me" I said looking down at her.

I held her in my arms for a long time, we must have stayed like that for 15 minutes. We shared many a kiss stood there.

I really can't remember that much of the conversation actually.

"I have to go" She said. She had to cycle back to where she was staying and it was pretty dark now. It was about 9:15pm. I walked with her back to the entrance to the train station where we hugged again.

"I want you to come to England and study" I told her. "I do want to, but it's hard, I need to pass some difficult tests to get accepted in a good university."

"I know" I replied, I was stroking her hand in mine. I looked at her and was straight out and honest with her "You really shouldn't do it though unless it's what suits you best. What is best for you. There's no reason coming here if you're going to be putting yourself out. Otherwise what benefit can you have?"
"I know" She replied. It wouldn't be fair to hold out my wants beyond her needs.

It really wouldn't be.

We kissed, pecking each other on the lips. All I could think was "just one more..." each time. I was trying desperately to stave off the inevitable parting of ways.

I didn't want her to go. She looked down and wiped a tear from her eye and said "bye..."

"Bye" I replied and watched her cycle off, she gave me one last look and then made her way off.

I did my best to just cut off my emotions. I'm tired of having to be split from those I care for. I feel quite low. I really need someone in my life at the moment.

She's leaving on Saturday, it'll probably be two years before she returns. I'm going to call in sick for work, I've really not left enough time to change days. I don't want to ask just in case they say no.

So, once again, I'm to say goodbye to her. I left her in China, now she'll be leaving me here in England.

Such is life.

Another horoscope, from Jonathan Cainer.

Sometimes everything seems to work out just right. And sometimes it all goes wrong. Watch carefully and you'll notice, that while you may have a few friends whose ups and downs occur at the same time as your own, most of us are out of sync with each other. One person will be having a great day, while the person standing next to them will be having an exasperating experience. Whatever the reason, it is not a world-shortage of luck. So don't worry, yours is not about to run out.

Spot on.

All I wanted to do this evening was go to my comedy course thing. Every, and I do mean every, little thing that I did went wrong.

The northern line was out. I only found out whilst reaching the stations to change at, that the northern wasn't going from there. So I tried to find a bus. Couldn't, those bus maps on the bus stands are useless. I'd have better odds at telling where to go from speghetti slung over it.

So I thought about going back to where I knew where I could get the bus, but to be honest, I was already an hour and a half late, it was going to take, another 30 mins to get back. Then I'd have to wait for a bus and getting back up there by bus would probably be another half hour. So I thought long and hard and decided I'd just take it easy and go home. As I hadn't had a chance to stop the whole weekend. It was as good an excuse as any.

I reached my stop, got out, made my way to the barrier swipped my oyster card, error 34, or something. Tried again, same story. I went to the lady told her I topped it up just before I started out. She printed off the last few journeys and confirmed it.

"I don't know why that's happening" She said staring at her computer screen.

"Well, what can I do then?"

"I don't know, nothing like this has ever happened before."

"Well, I just put money into it. But it's probably me, nothing's gone right for me today." I said.

"The only thing you can do is to just get them to let you through the gates when you depart from your journey"

I left it at that, but it occured to me later, what would happen if I want to use the bus? What happens if it doesn't let me enter the station. Do I have to get someone to let me through each time?

So, even if I'd have found a bus I probably wouldn't have been able to use my card. And as I've spent all weekend travelling by tube all round London. I don't want to do it anymore.

It was like there was something didn't want me to go anywhere today. Odd.

Bank Holiday?

How much do I want to work today?

Did you catch what I did there? No?

That's right, there is no will what so ever this morning, I have nothing to put forward at all. It's probably because of the mixture of things which have happened and will be happening soon.

It might be the turn of bad weather this morning too.

Horoscope time I think from Jonathan Cainer.

We continually aspire, as I was explaining over the weekend, to be 'in the right place at the right time'. Ultimately, of course, this is a ridiculous objective. It is like starving in a kitchen full of food or shivering by the side of a warm fire. We live on Planet Earth. Right place or wrong place, it is the only place we can live. Our relationship to the space-time continuum obliges us to exist now, and only now. We physically cannot be 'in the wrong place at the wrong time'. Mentally, though, ah, that's another story.

Yep, yeah and yes.

That horoscope feels very right for me at the moment. So, what to do?

Get another brain I think.

I need a holiday badly. I really can't wait to get to Ireland and chill out. 4 weeks to go. Only 4 weeks. Not long, not very long...

Now I've got to get up and go to work. Meh. I really don't want to and I've just remembered I'm doing this comedy stuff this evening and I'm travelling up north for one last time to see the lady. Which isn't do bad to be honest. But I'm really tired of bombing about the place at the mo.

Right, get dressed and go to work. 6 hours and 45 minutes of it. Meh...

And just like that, it's all a memory again.

It was so nice to have her here. So very nice.

Now, right now, it's such a tear. She is no longer here.
I will probably get to spend one more day with her while in England and that will be that.
She's back on a coach up North again and I wont really get to enjoy a lady like I've been able to, for who knows how long.

The only reminder I'm getting of her now is her hairs that fell out whilst she was combing her hair. I know they can't be anything to do with me, because I'm as bald as a snooker ball.

I just want to go rrrrr and shake myself free of it.

I wish my life was anything other than 'bleurgh' at the moment.
I have to work tomorrow. 12 till 6:45pm. ppfffftt. At least I get a lay in.

Anyway, I'll try to look on the positive side. I'll have a good night's sleep and probably feel better tomorrow.

Night all.