Tomorrow is Sunday.

Even though today is very much rain day. As we're in the middle of one of the wetest times in a very very long time.

Things are always changing and they cannot remain the same forever.

I'll carry this on with my horoscope, I'm finding it hard to get my set off point for my writing.

Wow, that surprised me, I flipped back to my horoscope and it changed from the weekend one to the week ahead. I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, thanks to Jonathan Cainer for the horoscope.

"Your Week Ahead: Some people put a big sign on their door saying, 'Beware of the dog'. When you get close you discover that the dog in question is not some half-crazed wolf-beast, but a miniature poodle. Most of us, one way or another, have a bark that is far worse than our bite. You have lately spent a great deal of time and energy worrying about some enormous monster with ferocious fangs. You have, indeed, seen a warning but you have overreacted to it. Neither a person, nor a situation, is as ferocious as you fear. During July, as you receive fresh reassurance, you begin to adjust to life without a sense of menace in the background."

Very true. Very very true. I also hope the last bit proves to be true.

I am my own worst enemy at times. It doesn't require another person to put me down and out. I can be quite capable all on my own. I pick at all the small points and hack myself apart.
I was sat on the train yesterday on the verge of a panick attack, and I mean on the verge. I'm very experienced with that aspect of my life now and can keep it under control. Years ago I would have flipped out. But now, it's easier than it was. even if still as daunting...

Hey, good news. To change the topic suddenly and in that badly written way which should be avoided, subjects should blend together to form a coherent path from a to z.

So anyway, great news in fact.

I am due to receive a pay rise. At the end of next month and it's to be "quite a bit" as my line manager said.

Oh, by the way, slightly better news than that too! In fact, double bubble fantastic news.

I am due to get another pay rise at the end of november (I think).

Two pay rises. Yes. TWO.

My work times have also changed once more. I will be doing every other sunday and getting every other saturday off.
Sunday is pay and a half, so, two sundays worked means one day extra pay. Which, conveiniently enough will pay for my new gym memebership for every month, for the months to come.

Keeping in mind the pay rise will mean I earn a little bit more for the time and a half so I will still come away from gym membership with a load of cash.

I couldn't believe it when she told me I'd be getting two pay rises. I still can't. It's going to be so bloody helpfull.
Such great news.

I have another thing that I want to do. But I want to keep it under my belt. It's one of those maybe will happen things. If it does, I'll write about it. But I don't want to set myself up for a fall. So I'll keep this light under my hat. I don't want it to go "foof!" in the light of day.

I hope something can bounce off of this. My little thing. I need it. Materially things are looking rosey. There's other things I want to address in my life.

Anyway. I'll write more later.

It's Sunday tomorrow and guess what? I don't need to wake up to an alram clock!!!

W o n d e r f u l . . .

Phew...

I'm knackered. Really really knackered.

I have started going to the gym again. Yipee! It's a really nice one not two minutes walk from my workplace. I'm looking forward to going for a swim at some point as well.
Looking after my physical well being is good. I'm pleased to be back on this horse again.

Anyway, I've been invited out to a friends birthday party. Which means a restaurant and food. (I'm starved after the gym. I've already eaten a little something, just to stave off the hunger pangs)
Although I'm flippin tired, as I've already mentioned. So am simply vegetating in front of my computer screen before I need to go out again. Puff wheez.

Although give the gym another two weeks and my fitness should start to improve somewhat, so I wont sit around sapped of all but my typey finger strength.
I've been having bad sleep recently too, so this sunday and tuesday coming will be vegatating days. I'm not going to do anything. Nothing. Just rest, eat and sleep. That'll do.

I'm already looking forward to bed this evening. Just gotta get the dinner out of the way though.

Right ho, I'll leave that there. I'm knackered.

My life.

After the last two years of living abroad my life of recent has been anything but fantastic. More of 'my god isn't time passing by quickly' and 'jee whizz, I ain't done much with meself'.

Not that that's a bad thing. I'm sure there are times in life that you need to charge up a certain amount of steam before you crack off in another more interesting direction. I feel like a horse in a pen looking out at all the surroundings and wanting very much to have a run, but can't.

A most frustrating thing.

In fact, the most frustrating thing is being who you are, being all that you are and unable to express it or live it. Not being able to run, not being able to laugh. Not being able to think. Just kept, like that horse in the stable. With a long face, no joke.

Like a bird in a cage longing to stretch its wings. Completely cut off from what you are and intended for. It's hard.

I almost look at myself in reflection and wonder what am I intended for. The ultimate answer of course, to look back and see what it all amounted to. I'm sure we all get some reflection back at our time of passing to wherever.

I cannot rationally judge for myself the purpose of my life. none of us can know this. In fact, it's quite a different state of being to any animal. They are formed as they are, they do what they do. It's a fairly simple life for them.
Humans on the other hand, have that little bit of something else. I don't really like saying that, I like to think that by pure state seen we are all equal.

But does an animal ever stop and ponder why? (However such a concept would be formed without the word) In fact, I'm sure some of them do. It may not be our plinth alone to stand upon.

Anyway. Why?

I do not have an answer to that question. I cannot answer it. right now at least. In China I could, I wanted to see and experience another part of this world and I did. That was my answer to the question 'why?' then.

But my answer to my current why isn't there. It doesn't exist. I suppose actually come to think of it, that it's simply to find one.
I know that i'm looking for a relastionship. I know I want that. In what form it may or may not come to be in, I'm not privy to such information, so cannot know. If I am ever to have such a thing, being the creature I.

I can preoccupy my mind with so much stuff, so much dust that I can blow up with my mind to obscure myself and my perceptions from absence of reason, in a reasonless universe. If there were a reason perhaps it's written down somewhere. Perhaps the center of existence there's a page that states why. Perhaps. Although that's probably just something an offshoot of random consiousness would think and imagine.

Time. Time, time, a long time. I very much wish to be free of this thing. This creation of ours. there is no time, we just made it up. I'd love to live in a culture that has no concept of time. That would be nice.

Time is that unbeatable thing. That vacum where only ourselves reside. Being that we are the only things there, it is only ourselves that give us the trouble. For whatever reason. We are our worst enemies.

I think I'm mine at the moment and I understand why that is.

There isn't much for me to do at the moment. No place to go. No person to see. I mean, I have my friends and I do go to see them. But this is rested gently on the top and doesn't offer me things beyond myself. It is comforting, yeah, but it doesn't fix the devil in me. That person that exists when I'm idle. I suppose that explains the saying "Idle hands make the devils work" or something like that.

I don't know why.

Although I do know that change is the only true eternal, oneday, why may stop existing. Things might change so. I'd better appreciate it whilst I can.

I feel like Daffy Duck surounded by all the black stuff falling in on him.

eh, at least it's a new day tomorrow and this job will end and I will meet new people and I will travel and see new and fantastic places one day. Yeah. Change will always happen.

So, I'll sit tight for the time being and wonder why...

Pingu.

I love pingu. I really do.


I'll get back to more regular posting soon I think. I've missed tyyping my thoughts as I think 'em.