Old flame.

As I sit here I'm very worn out and a little emotional. These are hard days for me at the moment.

But I want to talk about yesterday, Sunday. A fantastic day. I saw the girlfriend I'd left in China over 20 months ago. So it's a long post as this was an important and significant day for me.

I wasn't sure I wanted to travel to up to Cambridge on the Sunday, I was worn out, tired and stressed. But I told her I would go and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. I had to see her again. Even if, just to say hi.

I had emailed her the time my train would be arriving, early in the morning. Sunday was her free day around town.

I looked up at the clock and it was the time I should be getting ready to go. I went upstairs and got out of my dressing gown and put the shower on. While I was washing my thoughts turned to what it would be like to see her again after all this time. A little part of me was getting quite excited to see her the nearer my time to leaving came. I remembered the times we spent in my flat in China. With much sneaking around. the relationship was a big no no, in the eye's of the Chinese. Cultural differences and such. I thought it would be nice to see her now because there would be none of those worries here at all.

I finished washing, dried myself and headed back to my room to get changed. My irrational and fearful side began to worry that there wouldn't be any tickets for the train that day. Even though I'd looked it up before hand and knew there were.

Once dressed and with my bag on my shoulders with my mp3 player and my Teach Yourself Chinese book within, I headed out. I soon arrived at the station (fortuitously I went to the one that hadn't got any delays that day) I went to the self service machine and found the day return ticket I needed. £20 was what it cost, but more than worth it. It was faster than the coach, and time would be a very precious commodity that day. Worth the expense a million times over.

It was only an hour and twenty minutes and soon buildings turned to fields, yellow and green and I found myself at the station. As I got off the train I wondered if she would be there. My irrational and fearful part of me kicked in again and I feared I wouldn't see her at all. What if she couldn't get to a phone? what if she was busy somewhere else? The what ifs played on in my mind as I headed down the platform, I kept wondering if she would appear to me.

I reached the entrance way, there was a bounce in my heart, I thought she would be there. But, no one was in sight.

I stood and thought maybe I'd missed her. Perhaps I walked past and not noticed, so I recovered my tracks, I went back to the platform, but it was empty, aside from a few people. She wasn't there. I went outside and looked at the taxi rank, the bus stop, the road ahead. Nothing.

I was starting to feel a little sad. The pessimist in me began to fear the worst. Bt I wasn't going to leave. Not until I'd at least spoken with her. So I prepared myself for what might have been a long wait, I would have stood there most of the day if I had to.

I watched people come and go, people meeting up and I was still on my own. I began to feel very out of place when I heard my phone ring. It was a number I didn't recognise.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello." The voice came back, I recognised it immediately. It was like there hadn't been nearly two years between us.

"Hi" I said, with warmth in my voice.

"Hi, it's me, (her name)."

"I know" I replied.

"I couldn't find out how to get to the train station" She said.

"Doesn't matter, I'll come to you, I can take a taxi. Where are you now?"

She told me where she was and that she was going to be shown around town with the other two winners at about 12:30am. I said I would take a taxi and meet her.

"How long will you be?" She asked.

"I don't know, I haven't been to Cambridge before. Maybe half an hour, probably less."

"ok, I'll wait for you. Bye."

"Bye" I replied and turned my attention to the taxi rank. As it would be far easier and time saving to get to where she was, thus worth the expense.

I approached two guys chatting by there cabs and gave them my destination. I was on my way. It only took a couple of minutes as I studied all the old styled buildings. The taxi pulled up outside a very grand building with a courtyard I paid the driver, got out and waited.
I walked up a little way, couldn't see her, walked back a little way. The anticipation was immense. Then, pretty much without warning she appeared and I have to be honest, my first thoughts were 'I'd forgotten how wide her nose was."

Bizarre, but there you go.

She just looked at me with her hand over her mouth in disbelief and walked toward me. We hugged, briefly. I kept very much in my mind that we hadn't been together for a long time. So, it was very restrained. Almost in my stereotypical English way.

She told me about the journey from China, how long it was, the trouble with understanding the customs mans Indian accent. I just laughed to myself. I knew it would be the thing that would throw her when she came to England. So many different people speaking English with so many different accents.

"I didn't understand him" She said. "They took us to a lady who spoke Chinese". I assumed she wasn't Chinese and probably another race entirely by what she had said. She was quite surprised and impressed by this.

I took her in, her face, her clothes, smell, the length of her hair again and it really felt like no time had been between us. I suppose there's a bit of us that doesn't know time. It's there or it isn't.

We walked, we had an hour before she had to meet up with the others to be shown round the city by the guy who was in charge. I assumed I would be waiting for her to finish that. It was then it occurred to me that I would need to find her again and I didn't know Cambridge at all. Neither did she, her first time abroad.

We walked and talked. I wanted to know about what had happened for her since she last saw me. But the conversation naturally moved onto the present and thing happening now. There was no past as such. Unless I tried digging it up.

We stopped in a french restaurant and we talked.

"I haven't eaten fruit in two days" She said. "I don't like the food here. I don't like being surrounded by foreigners".

I just looked at her and said "I'm from London, I'm surrounded by foreigners, most of my friends are from abroad". I reminded her.

She wasn't consoled by that fact. She was very much in her world.

"I don't like my host either, she's placed all these rules on me, the other two (the other two winners, who are with different hosts whilst here) don't have any." She looked pained, I understood it in fact, I remembered how hard it was for me when I went to China. That first night. Away from home and friends, leaving all you know behind. It's hard. Really hard.

We ordered food, she wasn't sure what to have, so just got the same as me. I'd ordered Earl Grey tea, as it was the closest thing they had to green tea and had no milk in it as she informed me.

"My host gave me breakfast, I didn't like it." She added, "I don't like tea with milk."

I just looked at her, we were quiet for a while then she said "I want to go home. I miss my mum and dad".

"You will, soon, in two weeks" I replied feeling quite distant from her. She really didn't want to be here.

Time was pushing on and she had to meet up with the guys. I braced myself for some time alone round town, at least I could explore.

"I'm pleased you're here" She said to me. It was what I wanted to hear. "I'm pleased you're here as well" I told her.

We made our way to her rendezvous point. She called her guy to find out where he was, he soon appeared as did the other two winners. She introduced him to me and he said "hello" and I got that old feeling from him, the "why is she introducing me to a friend of hers?". I ignored it, as it was probably my internal pessimist at work again.

I at on the wall next to them as he told them about what they would do. I then heard him say "perhaps your friend would like to come too?"

"Was that an invitation I heard?" I asked.

"He said "Yeah, sure, no problem". I was much relived. He took us round the buildings and I hung to the back, as the three Chinese with us had won a prize and I was very keen not to get in the way of it.

We had lunch, Asian food, he paid, it was a work account, so no skin off his nose. Nor was I complaining about free food.

We were walked around town, which was really useful as I got the lay of the land.

After that, we were pretty much on our own. Me and three of them that is. I answered a few of their questions about England. They kept asking about Cambridge, but alas, I knew as much as they. So I wasn't much help.

"If you come to London, I can help you out, but here, I really don't know I'm afraid"

Thankfully, I'm pleased to say, those two went off and did there own thing and I was left with the lady once more.

We walked some about town and talked. The weather was beautiful, one of the idiosyncrasies with Cambridge is the amount of times you'll be asked if you want to go ponting. A tenner each it cost us. I offerd to pay for both of us, but she insisted on paying her way.

It was nice. we shared the pontoon with a few other people, the ride lasted about 45 minutes. It was nice. Really pleasent. I've not relaxed and been content like that in some time. Partly because she was with me too. I've not been able to enjoy the comforts of a lady in some time. We watched the geese, ducks and ducklings. Listened to the running commentary on the history of Cambridge. Including all the practical jokes played by a couple of engineering students .Like suspening one of the teachers cars under a bridge over the river itself. An amazing prank I'd never heard.

Anyway, I allowed myself the luxury of putting my arm round her, or rather, just resting behind her. She didn't mind and was very comfortable with me then and there. It was lovely. I stroked the back of her arm with my left hand it wasn't long after hat we ended up holding hands.

"I missed you" She said. "I missed you too" As we gently went down stream.

We nudged up to the bank and I relaised our gentle ride was over. We went to another restaurant, an Italian one. Yeah, she didn't like the food here either. Partly because her body clock was saying it was 12 at night, despite it being 7 hours before that for me.

I was using some of my Italian with the guys, I do enjoy their spirit. "Your Italian seems much better than your Chinese" She said. "Nah, it's about the same. In fact I think my Chinese might be a little bit better at the moment."

Time moved on, as it does when you enjoy yourself and we walked down beside the river holding hands. I found myself gently rubbing her fingers and opening and closing my hand around hers. I hadn't shared a physical presence for quite some time. It was so nice to have such a small thing.
We stopped just outside a little souvenir shop, we looked at the window and she leaned in toward me. He head resting a little lower than mine. I kissed her on the forehead. "ow" she laughed. I realised my unshaven face wasn't that comfortable for her. But that was as only as far as I wanted to take it. Besides, I thought to myself, she's gone in two weeks. I'd only be opening myself up for more heartache if I let it go any further. For her too.

I stuck to holding hands. That'll do. I'm probably not going to see her ever again after this.

"I've been accepted into the best university in Haerbin." She was pleased with herself, "I'll be seeing Tobias there again" (He was one of the teachers I was there with back in 2005. He'll be studying Chinese there.)

I was pleased for her but had to ask, "Why don't you study here? It would be a great experience for you." I do want her to be here, as we get along very well.

"I don't know, it's so hard to find a place here" She looked at me, "I would like to, but I think it would be too hard".

She knows I'm not going to go out to China at the moment either, I need to stay here and earn some money. My finances need a good seeing to as I've not really a penny to my name and I have to think about my material future. I can't go on as I have.

So, like I said. I probably wont ever see her again after these two weeks.

Che sucede sucede.

We finished the day walking down to the train station. I showed her about, just so she knows where all is ther, she might be coming to London this weekend. I hope so anyway.

We walked up the platform to my train, we turned and faced each other. (It all gets very Mills & Boons) We shared a few pecks on the lips and one last hug and then we said goodbye.

It was nice to see her, but I already know I will miss her again. I've been a lonely ol' soul these last two years away from China. Life lost a lot of it's sparkle. But I am pleased for small mercys.

There hasn't been much good in my life of late, this is a little pick-me-up from the past.

I'm going to make the most of it while I can. I don't know when I'll have this again.

So, a very long post. I'm not feeling at my best, life is hard and there's no sign of an end to it within my sight. I will make the most of this. Hopefully, I'll see the lady this weekend. Hopefully...

Behind the till.

I spend some of the day, about half usually, behind the till. Serving, smiling and saying "yes sir, no sir, three bags full sir".

As it's London I live in, I meet most people from most parts of the world at most times during the day. Nice in many ways, although I get a little "home sick" at times. Yeah, even though I am home. Bizarre.

A lady came to the till this afternoon, she was Asian in appearance and spoke English well. But I could tell from her accent English wasn't her mother tongue.

"Where are you from?" I asked.

"China." She replied.

I immediately sprang into action.

"Ni hao". I said, she looked quite surprised. "Ni hao ma" I asked (How are you?) scanning her items through the till.

"Well." She said in English. "Do you study Chinese?" She asked as I was getting through her purchases.

"Wo shi yingwen laoshi zai haerbin" I replied (I was an English teacher in Harbin).

"Your accent is very good". She complimented me. "How long were you there for?"

"I was there for a year" I answered, feeling the need to speak in English now as she wasn't speaking in Chinese. I finished packing the bags and told her how much she owed.

"How long have you been back?" She asked looking through her purse for the money.

"Over a year now."

"Your accent is very good. My husband is French, but he has great trouble with the accent. He's been studying a long time, but can't manage it".

I felt pleased that I'd kept it in good stead.

She handed me the money and I her change and said goodbye.

The white Russian.

That's what it means, the name of the place she is from, "white Russian". Interesting I thought.

She's married to a guy from Estonia, who's also a Virgo, just like me. She's a Piscean. An attractive lady, who thinks she's fat. But to be honest she's as thin as a rake.

"When I come to England I become very fat." She's tell me in her bad grammer. "When I go back to Russia I will be thin. I look at her agape.

"Thinner than you are now?" I reply.

"Yes, now I am so fat, I don't like it." I wonder after she says that if she's got some form of eating disorder or is it simply the way that they view themselves from that neck of the woods. Possibly.

We work together most of the day and to be honest with you, I find myself checking her out most of the time. She is an attractive lady and if there ever were the chance to be a bit naughty, I'd probably take it. Although the good person in me jumps in and intervenes now and then. Even though I don't really care for marriage and stuff like that.

But normally we just have a laugh and a joke. We've had some great giggles in the cash room. We'll do something silly and be in stitches for about 5 minutes. The other day she secured a bag, with a unique tag, each with it's own number. Each time you seal and open a bag with it, it needs to be recorded in a book. Signed, dated and sealed.

We had to do it five times.

She forgot to put the cash back in the bag each time. It was the craziest thing. We laughed harder each time we had to re-seal and sign the book. The tears did stream.
I jokingly said "Everyone's going to think I've upset you the way your mascara is running." We just sat there and laughed. I appreciate those moments, I only wish she wasn't married, I think to myself during those times. We get on quite well.


I know, now that I'm older and I've spent years with myself, that when I like the smell of a lady, it very much means I am attracted to her. It's this deep in-built natural thing that overcomes me. I can smell her when she's in the building. I know if she's just been round a certain way, I can smell it. It's such a powerful thing smell.

Me and her, it's never going to be though. I've also learnt that sometimes it's dangerous to get what you want. It can mean so many more things than you can foresee happening.
But during my moments it would be so nice to be closer to her.

Well, anyway. A look over the fence to that forbidden fruit, probably an added attraction. She's unobtainable and thus seen as more prized.

I think I simply have to enjoy things as they are. It isn't going to change and I'm not going to pursue the white Russian. More trouble than it's worth.

All the guys at work like her and I think she enjoys the attention. Who wouldn't?

I feel good today.

I think, in some small ways, I'm really beginning to appreciate being put under pressure. It's these times that I see myself, or at least that bit of me that I keep tucked up and hidden. My weaker parts. When their exposed and roughed about, it really does bother me. But it's only then that I can see it for what it is. Analyse and understand it.

While I sit here, my mind is wondering. I've been drifting off into space with those words above sat here.

It's occurred to me that I will never meet most of all the people in the world. I will live out my entire life only ever having met, maybe a thousand people. If that. Getting to know only a few so well. I have a few friends that I have known now for more than 5 years. To hold such a view so limited in scope and to wonder the wider world and all those that live and breath. The ones who also call this place home. It's a strange thought.

I will never know all the people that live now. I will never know what they think, feel, talk about. Nothing, not one thing.

Anyway, back to my post and from my mental wanderings and wondering.

I feel peaceful today. Very peaceful, I'm definitely in touch with my deeper self right now.
I spent the last few night having real trouble falling asleep. I would jolt awake every time my eyes grow heavy keeping me awake. Fortunately I've suffered with this panic disorder so long now that I can keep myself in check. It never gets control of me any more, not in the way that it used to. It used to be so hard to deal with. Time makes it easier.

Back I'm as content as can be at the moment. It's peaceful in the house, which is wonderful.

I bought another bird feeder the other day. They have three in the garden now. It's really nice to sit by the back door quietly and still just watching the wee fathered ones come and go.
Then there's the pigeons who come by when the other birds are there. They've learnt that whilst they can't get to the seed in the bird feeder, they can get the seed that's knocked out by the other birds. They walk around underneath as they feed. It's an interesting sight.

Anyway, I've got my mind set on writing some more posts about the aspects of my work days.

Wednesday, mid-week-ish.

First to answer a question.

MikeP, neither of those.
There is only one film that I am quite literally dying to see.

Transformers.


Coming out on the 4th of July. Not the 7th of April as I originally believed. Being that there is that little difference between the American and English way of writing the calender.

American = month, day, year.

English = day, month, year.

I got my nethers in a tizzy thinking 7.4.7 meant April, forgetting all of the above.
D'OH!

It is a big world. Although, I would love to see tmnt, but I fear I'd be the only 30 year old in the building.
Speaking of movies. I'll be going to see Spidey 3 as soon as it's out. So pleased Venom is in show. It'll be nice to see how it all turns out for Peter Parker.

Anyway, back to my other mumblings for the day.

Work, work went as well as it could. I've really gotten my head around the stuff that's been plaguing me recently. but now there is just the small matter of getting cash to balance from the tills during the day. It can be a bloody great headache trying to find out what happened when the tills don't balance. Especially when those at head office get on your back with emails.

Although, I've given myself a step back. I've been far too serious about the whole thing. At the end of the day I can only do so much, I am only one guy and the training I've had and practice thereafter is barely reasonable. so, I don't care. I will try to find the troubles, but if it's that bad, what can I do?

Go home and forget about it is what. Not my problem.

My alarm clock woke me from a mad dream this morning, I was trying to have an affair with a lady. Hmm, I was also trying to drive a coach around a town, even though I can't drive and I didn't know how to get to where I was going.

There was also a snake and cat hanging off two electric pylons out by the train tracks behind my house. Which was interesting. Wonder what it all means?

Anyway, all in all. I feel well today, far better than the other day. Although I need to catch up on some sleep. I'm cream crackered.

May I have a moan?

I don't really want to. But you're really the only person who'll listen, or at least stop by and read. So if you don't fancy reading me moan, by all means ignore the rest of this post.

I don't really want to. I want to talk and chat about all those fantastic and fun things that are happening. But there aren't really many to chat about. My life at the moment entails me, going to work, coming home and sitting in front of a computer screen.

It reminds me of a song my Irish mate played to me written by an Irishman about the Irish who lived and worked in London. One of the phrases in it was "London, no ones home", something like that anyway. It does feel like that sometimes.
In many ways London is a fantastic place to live. In many ways it isn't. It would be best for those coming to visit because there is just so much to do. Provided you've got the time the money and the mates to do it with. Everything is so expensive. Everyone is always working. The only time anyone goes out is for big social occasions. Nothing really casual.

So at the moment, I'm lucky to go out and see friends once a week, if that. London is quite a lonely place for me at the moment. Quite a lonely large city.

I'm also annoyed because they've declined my first week that I wanted to have off in june. When I wanted to go to Ireland and see my mate, Which means, I have the rest of this month to book the last 1.2 weeks (whatever the hell point two of a week is) of my holiday. Otherwise it'll be assigned, or worst of the worst, I'll lose it. It happened to one of the girls at the shop already. They seem quite happy to keep you in work and give you the pay for that holiday week extra at the end of a working month. Bless 'em. It's all very well and nice getting extra cash, but I need time off. It's good for the old mind. Good for your health.

I'm just so angry at the moment. So feckin cheesed off. All of this would be eons easier to deal with if I had some pleasure in my life. At the moment I get by by going to the movies once in a while and meeting my friend one a month down the pub.

Spartan is my existence at the moment. Very bear. Very holed.

Meh.

I keep thinking about this horoscope from Jonathan Cainer today.

'That was then, this is now.' Repeat those words at regular intervals throughout the day please. The past is a quagmire, into which you will sink if you place so much as one footstep there. Leave it alone. Just because a particular precedent has been set, you are not obliged to spend the rest of your life adhering to this pattern. The braver, the more honest, the more open and above board your plan now is, the more likely you are to experience immediate impressive success with it!

That was then, this is now. I'm finding it very hard to raise my head above the "bleurgh" level. Quite hard indeed.

That was then, this is now, that was then, this is now...

Didn't want to moan, but there's little else to do right at the mo. As soon as the good stuff comes I'll be writing all about it.

Anyway...

Day off tomorrow. A little 'yay!'. What'll I do? Dunno, not much to do.

That was then, this is now. I must lift my spirits.

Meh.

Rested.

I feel much better this morning. When I woke up to a start at 3:30am on saturday morning I couldn't fall back asleep. Boy was I tired.

I dreampt I'd given a man some change, but he insisted that I'd not given him enough, even though I knew that I had I couldn't quite recall exactly what had changed hands.
Then a muscle in my right leg contracted and caused me to jump waking me up.

The two things combined, the stress of money and the twich made my heart jump. I couldn't fall asleep after that.
Also, the old imagination plays a part in it too. This pain in my left arm when I extend it or stretch it has had my mind doing loops. It's just the nature of me though. With not much else going on it's easy to focus on the little niggles that get you. But it's all good for the soul, it provides you with a deeper strength.

Something you don't realise or notice, because your feet are always feeling pain, you tend to think I can't be that strong. But, with time you get accustomed to it and can deal with it far better.
When you're next to somone else who has never dealt with these things before and you are both afronted by it, you discover that you have grown and can cope better than others. Even if there is no true 'better'.

Nature of things.

Anyway, I'm pleased it's sunday, even if work will come round quickly again. This whole year so far has simply sped by, I don't know where the time is going. I remember it was Christmas not long ago, then all of a sudden, it's nearly May.

It doesn't slow down the older you get.

Hopefully that'll mean the movie I've been waiting for for donkeys will be out sooner than I expect.