Urgh...

I hate not having my own space. I also really hate it when someone doesn't ask, doesn't consult with you, but is quite happy to decide that you will do "such and such" because they wish it.

I live with this particular person. To reason with them is almost beyond possible.

They've made their assumptions about what they think. Leaving you and the reality of the situation way out of it. It annoys and angers me to distraction.

It was the first thing that confronted me when I came back in the door. There is no space for me. I have no place that I feel I can unwind and let go. I'm under pressure at work and at "home", it doesn't really feel like a home to me anyway. A place I reside at other times.

You know, when I was younger I often felt at home. I now realise that this depends on your physical circumstances. If you've got that space to call your own, no trouble. But how do you physically acquire such a space? Unless you have the means to do so, it ain't happening.

So, for me, right now, it ain't gonna happen at all. I'm stuck between a rock and hard place, the frying pan or the fire.

I thought I'd get some space this weekend, my one off. Unfortunately it isn't going to happen. I'm off work, fabby, but I have other burdens thrust upon me beyond my choice or control.

I hate it.

I hate getting older, everything is taking on a more real bleak look. My youthful ignorant understanding of the world is fast disappearing up the arse of 'how things really are', not what I think.

I'm this close to going out and finding my own place. Which will mean less money, less savings and less freedom with my future. But, it's the trade off with living with others and saving cash.

I have so little I want. I piddle along in my life not doing very much at all at the moment. It's quite hard.

Not so speak that EVEYTHING is bad. Just the stuff that's happening right here and now. The stuff I can't escape from. All I can do is write about it.

I still hold hope, nothing remains forever the same. Nothing, which makes me much happier.

Anyway, back to my uncomfortable space beyond my choosing.

Where headed?

Probably a very common question people ask themselves. I'm asking myself that on a daily basis. Especially now as my life lacks that special something to keep me going.

I really only have the Transformers movie to look forward to at the moment. A fairly devoid life of anything concerning real "happy making" substance. Something fullfilling would be great. To keep me ticking over untill tomorrow.

I hate this "modern" world. This over crowded place. Well, it is in my book. We really do not need this many people farting about the place. 6 billion or more is just a bit too much for my liking.

I'd love some forest to be walking around in. Some trees to sit under, without a person to come on by. It would be nice.

I wouldn't have to worry about where I was headed. I would be. Like the animals in the wood. Living, playing, eating and sleeping. Maybe the occasional roll around in something nasty. As they do.

But I'm lockd into the human race. Emphasis on the race.
Stuck in London, with far too many people. Feeling quite lonely. Funny thing that, the more people, the more isolated you feel. Bizare.

Anyway, long ramble short. I still need some purpose, or fun in my life.

Meh...

Lying wotsit.

The female manager at the shop asked me to go and buy some a4 paper the other day. We'd run out.

"Red robin, can you go and buy some paper for the shop. Either at woolworths or the photocopying shop which is next door"

"Yeah ok" I replied.

Time was pressing on and I knew we needed paper to print off all the paper work that we needed. So I went to the nearest shop, which was the photocopying shop.
Now I don't buy paper everyday and have no real idea of how much it costs. Not a clue. I asked the man behind the counter.

"Can I buy some a4 paper here?"

"Yeah, sure, what would you like?" He listed a couple of types of paper and I opted for the bog standard. Nothing fancy.

"That's £23.50p"

Wow, I thought to myself. I handed over my card and paid for it.

I took it back to the shop and walked into the office downstairs. The fat boy manager and the other deputy manager (quite a nice guy) were both there. I told them how much it cost.

"who told you to buy paper" The fat boy manager asked me. I answered him and he quickly responded "Well, I'm not authorising it and she can try explaining that to..." He said the name of the BIG bosses of the shops. The one who's been doing the rounds at the moment.

A while later on the till, whilst I was serving a customer, the lady manager came up to me and said "The fat manager isn't authorising that purchase"

In other words, I'm not going to get back the money I paid for it. Did I mention that it came out of my pocket and I had to reclaim the cash?

Then she walked off, leaving me at the till thinking I'm not going to get my money. Which as you can imagine was a little distracting. I was quite cross.

After I'd finished there, I walked to the stairs at the back of the shop to go on my break.

The lady manager was there "Red robin, it's authorised, but I asked you to see which shop sold it for cheaper."

What? I thought to myself. She never said that to me. I wasn't a hundred percent certain of the exact conversation but am pretty damn sure she never said that. I couldn't believe it. She's lying.

I'm still stunned. I just think she's trying to cover her own arse and dump me in the crap.

Fortunately, they justified the purchase by using the paper, when they could simply have asked me to return it and get the money back. Simple really. That simple blunder will save me from any huge slagging off.

Also, I did get my money back. But she will try to pin it on me.

We'll see how this goes.

I'm really angry and put upon at the moment. I really hate this shop sometimes, I wish I hadn't transferred sometimes you know, the last shop was far better than this.

Cause it makes me happy.

Gawd bless. How I do miss this show...

Cloudy days.

You ever wonder if life chucks a load of crap your way because you're needed to do something else. Be a little different than you are now.

That the form you hold is insuficient for what the time requires.

I'm contemplating a big change for me. Something well within my means to aquire, but it will mean certain restrictions placed apn me. Finanacially I'd be a little worse off than now. I wouldn't be able to save all I could. There's also hidden uncertainties, which I wont find out about until I actually do it. If I do it. I'm merely entertaining thoughts at the moment.

Pluses would be numerous. There might be draw backs unknown to my mind at present. It would mean my current plan goes to poop really, or at least is delayed somewhat. But, as I reacll, I live in the now. Not then. I'm never in then. So I suppose, I should live with the now, rather than borrowed time (if that's what you call it) and do something now. With what's at hand.

It would, on a positive, open up many things that I am unable. or at least, feel unable to do right now. I could relax and be myself and not have to worry about all the crap that surrounds me in this place.

It's a big change. Which, I've learnt over the few short years in my life, generally mean new things happen. Some good, some not so good. But in the end, it's all good experience. And experience is what it's all about.

So I'm mulling this one over for a little bit. I'll speak to a few people I know about it. See what they think.

But, it's probably a good idea. I'll just have to let go of my preconceived notions about what I think 'should be'. Because I really do not know. Not at all.

Cloudy days, they may yet give way to a bit more sunshine. In fact, they usually do.

Cloged up.

I'm having a clog up of the old writing pipes at the moment. I'm having a general clog up of the pipes too.

Life is backed up, and it's all down to me.

Is there a way out of this funk I have found myself in? Only time will tell...

Wish me all the best.

Right now.

I'm having a fantastic two day weekend. I'm ever so relaxed and feel much rested.

I'm missing my time in China, or moreover, my time with my friends there. The community I once had but have no more.

~sigh~

But, I'm well. Feel good today. Work tomorrow, then another day off and back to the working world.

But for now, I'm off to see Die Hard 4.0 with my Somlaian mate.

Ciao regazzi.