Old flame.

As I sit here I'm very worn out and a little emotional. These are hard days for me at the moment.

But I want to talk about yesterday, Sunday. A fantastic day. I saw the girlfriend I'd left in China over 20 months ago. So it's a long post as this was an important and significant day for me.

I wasn't sure I wanted to travel to up to Cambridge on the Sunday, I was worn out, tired and stressed. But I told her I would go and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. I had to see her again. Even if, just to say hi.

I had emailed her the time my train would be arriving, early in the morning. Sunday was her free day around town.

I looked up at the clock and it was the time I should be getting ready to go. I went upstairs and got out of my dressing gown and put the shower on. While I was washing my thoughts turned to what it would be like to see her again after all this time. A little part of me was getting quite excited to see her the nearer my time to leaving came. I remembered the times we spent in my flat in China. With much sneaking around. the relationship was a big no no, in the eye's of the Chinese. Cultural differences and such. I thought it would be nice to see her now because there would be none of those worries here at all.

I finished washing, dried myself and headed back to my room to get changed. My irrational and fearful side began to worry that there wouldn't be any tickets for the train that day. Even though I'd looked it up before hand and knew there were.

Once dressed and with my bag on my shoulders with my mp3 player and my Teach Yourself Chinese book within, I headed out. I soon arrived at the station (fortuitously I went to the one that hadn't got any delays that day) I went to the self service machine and found the day return ticket I needed. £20 was what it cost, but more than worth it. It was faster than the coach, and time would be a very precious commodity that day. Worth the expense a million times over.

It was only an hour and twenty minutes and soon buildings turned to fields, yellow and green and I found myself at the station. As I got off the train I wondered if she would be there. My irrational and fearful part of me kicked in again and I feared I wouldn't see her at all. What if she couldn't get to a phone? what if she was busy somewhere else? The what ifs played on in my mind as I headed down the platform, I kept wondering if she would appear to me.

I reached the entrance way, there was a bounce in my heart, I thought she would be there. But, no one was in sight.

I stood and thought maybe I'd missed her. Perhaps I walked past and not noticed, so I recovered my tracks, I went back to the platform, but it was empty, aside from a few people. She wasn't there. I went outside and looked at the taxi rank, the bus stop, the road ahead. Nothing.

I was starting to feel a little sad. The pessimist in me began to fear the worst. Bt I wasn't going to leave. Not until I'd at least spoken with her. So I prepared myself for what might have been a long wait, I would have stood there most of the day if I had to.

I watched people come and go, people meeting up and I was still on my own. I began to feel very out of place when I heard my phone ring. It was a number I didn't recognise.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello." The voice came back, I recognised it immediately. It was like there hadn't been nearly two years between us.

"Hi" I said, with warmth in my voice.

"Hi, it's me, (her name)."

"I know" I replied.

"I couldn't find out how to get to the train station" She said.

"Doesn't matter, I'll come to you, I can take a taxi. Where are you now?"

She told me where she was and that she was going to be shown around town with the other two winners at about 12:30am. I said I would take a taxi and meet her.

"How long will you be?" She asked.

"I don't know, I haven't been to Cambridge before. Maybe half an hour, probably less."

"ok, I'll wait for you. Bye."

"Bye" I replied and turned my attention to the taxi rank. As it would be far easier and time saving to get to where she was, thus worth the expense.

I approached two guys chatting by there cabs and gave them my destination. I was on my way. It only took a couple of minutes as I studied all the old styled buildings. The taxi pulled up outside a very grand building with a courtyard I paid the driver, got out and waited.
I walked up a little way, couldn't see her, walked back a little way. The anticipation was immense. Then, pretty much without warning she appeared and I have to be honest, my first thoughts were 'I'd forgotten how wide her nose was."

Bizarre, but there you go.

She just looked at me with her hand over her mouth in disbelief and walked toward me. We hugged, briefly. I kept very much in my mind that we hadn't been together for a long time. So, it was very restrained. Almost in my stereotypical English way.

She told me about the journey from China, how long it was, the trouble with understanding the customs mans Indian accent. I just laughed to myself. I knew it would be the thing that would throw her when she came to England. So many different people speaking English with so many different accents.

"I didn't understand him" She said. "They took us to a lady who spoke Chinese". I assumed she wasn't Chinese and probably another race entirely by what she had said. She was quite surprised and impressed by this.

I took her in, her face, her clothes, smell, the length of her hair again and it really felt like no time had been between us. I suppose there's a bit of us that doesn't know time. It's there or it isn't.

We walked, we had an hour before she had to meet up with the others to be shown round the city by the guy who was in charge. I assumed I would be waiting for her to finish that. It was then it occurred to me that I would need to find her again and I didn't know Cambridge at all. Neither did she, her first time abroad.

We walked and talked. I wanted to know about what had happened for her since she last saw me. But the conversation naturally moved onto the present and thing happening now. There was no past as such. Unless I tried digging it up.

We stopped in a french restaurant and we talked.

"I haven't eaten fruit in two days" She said. "I don't like the food here. I don't like being surrounded by foreigners".

I just looked at her and said "I'm from London, I'm surrounded by foreigners, most of my friends are from abroad". I reminded her.

She wasn't consoled by that fact. She was very much in her world.

"I don't like my host either, she's placed all these rules on me, the other two (the other two winners, who are with different hosts whilst here) don't have any." She looked pained, I understood it in fact, I remembered how hard it was for me when I went to China. That first night. Away from home and friends, leaving all you know behind. It's hard. Really hard.

We ordered food, she wasn't sure what to have, so just got the same as me. I'd ordered Earl Grey tea, as it was the closest thing they had to green tea and had no milk in it as she informed me.

"My host gave me breakfast, I didn't like it." She added, "I don't like tea with milk."

I just looked at her, we were quiet for a while then she said "I want to go home. I miss my mum and dad".

"You will, soon, in two weeks" I replied feeling quite distant from her. She really didn't want to be here.

Time was pushing on and she had to meet up with the guys. I braced myself for some time alone round town, at least I could explore.

"I'm pleased you're here" She said to me. It was what I wanted to hear. "I'm pleased you're here as well" I told her.

We made our way to her rendezvous point. She called her guy to find out where he was, he soon appeared as did the other two winners. She introduced him to me and he said "hello" and I got that old feeling from him, the "why is she introducing me to a friend of hers?". I ignored it, as it was probably my internal pessimist at work again.

I at on the wall next to them as he told them about what they would do. I then heard him say "perhaps your friend would like to come too?"

"Was that an invitation I heard?" I asked.

"He said "Yeah, sure, no problem". I was much relived. He took us round the buildings and I hung to the back, as the three Chinese with us had won a prize and I was very keen not to get in the way of it.

We had lunch, Asian food, he paid, it was a work account, so no skin off his nose. Nor was I complaining about free food.

We were walked around town, which was really useful as I got the lay of the land.

After that, we were pretty much on our own. Me and three of them that is. I answered a few of their questions about England. They kept asking about Cambridge, but alas, I knew as much as they. So I wasn't much help.

"If you come to London, I can help you out, but here, I really don't know I'm afraid"

Thankfully, I'm pleased to say, those two went off and did there own thing and I was left with the lady once more.

We walked some about town and talked. The weather was beautiful, one of the idiosyncrasies with Cambridge is the amount of times you'll be asked if you want to go ponting. A tenner each it cost us. I offerd to pay for both of us, but she insisted on paying her way.

It was nice. we shared the pontoon with a few other people, the ride lasted about 45 minutes. It was nice. Really pleasent. I've not relaxed and been content like that in some time. Partly because she was with me too. I've not been able to enjoy the comforts of a lady in some time. We watched the geese, ducks and ducklings. Listened to the running commentary on the history of Cambridge. Including all the practical jokes played by a couple of engineering students .Like suspening one of the teachers cars under a bridge over the river itself. An amazing prank I'd never heard.

Anyway, I allowed myself the luxury of putting my arm round her, or rather, just resting behind her. She didn't mind and was very comfortable with me then and there. It was lovely. I stroked the back of her arm with my left hand it wasn't long after hat we ended up holding hands.

"I missed you" She said. "I missed you too" As we gently went down stream.

We nudged up to the bank and I relaised our gentle ride was over. We went to another restaurant, an Italian one. Yeah, she didn't like the food here either. Partly because her body clock was saying it was 12 at night, despite it being 7 hours before that for me.

I was using some of my Italian with the guys, I do enjoy their spirit. "Your Italian seems much better than your Chinese" She said. "Nah, it's about the same. In fact I think my Chinese might be a little bit better at the moment."

Time moved on, as it does when you enjoy yourself and we walked down beside the river holding hands. I found myself gently rubbing her fingers and opening and closing my hand around hers. I hadn't shared a physical presence for quite some time. It was so nice to have such a small thing.
We stopped just outside a little souvenir shop, we looked at the window and she leaned in toward me. He head resting a little lower than mine. I kissed her on the forehead. "ow" she laughed. I realised my unshaven face wasn't that comfortable for her. But that was as only as far as I wanted to take it. Besides, I thought to myself, she's gone in two weeks. I'd only be opening myself up for more heartache if I let it go any further. For her too.

I stuck to holding hands. That'll do. I'm probably not going to see her ever again after this.

"I've been accepted into the best university in Haerbin." She was pleased with herself, "I'll be seeing Tobias there again" (He was one of the teachers I was there with back in 2005. He'll be studying Chinese there.)

I was pleased for her but had to ask, "Why don't you study here? It would be a great experience for you." I do want her to be here, as we get along very well.

"I don't know, it's so hard to find a place here" She looked at me, "I would like to, but I think it would be too hard".

She knows I'm not going to go out to China at the moment either, I need to stay here and earn some money. My finances need a good seeing to as I've not really a penny to my name and I have to think about my material future. I can't go on as I have.

So, like I said. I probably wont ever see her again after these two weeks.

Che sucede sucede.

We finished the day walking down to the train station. I showed her about, just so she knows where all is ther, she might be coming to London this weekend. I hope so anyway.

We walked up the platform to my train, we turned and faced each other. (It all gets very Mills & Boons) We shared a few pecks on the lips and one last hug and then we said goodbye.

It was nice to see her, but I already know I will miss her again. I've been a lonely ol' soul these last two years away from China. Life lost a lot of it's sparkle. But I am pleased for small mercys.

There hasn't been much good in my life of late, this is a little pick-me-up from the past.

I'm going to make the most of it while I can. I don't know when I'll have this again.

So, a very long post. I'm not feeling at my best, life is hard and there's no sign of an end to it within my sight. I will make the most of this. Hopefully, I'll see the lady this weekend. Hopefully...