Tomorrow is Sunday.

Even though today is very much rain day. As we're in the middle of one of the wetest times in a very very long time.

Things are always changing and they cannot remain the same forever.

I'll carry this on with my horoscope, I'm finding it hard to get my set off point for my writing.

Wow, that surprised me, I flipped back to my horoscope and it changed from the weekend one to the week ahead. I wasn't expecting that. Anyway, thanks to Jonathan Cainer for the horoscope.

"Your Week Ahead: Some people put a big sign on their door saying, 'Beware of the dog'. When you get close you discover that the dog in question is not some half-crazed wolf-beast, but a miniature poodle. Most of us, one way or another, have a bark that is far worse than our bite. You have lately spent a great deal of time and energy worrying about some enormous monster with ferocious fangs. You have, indeed, seen a warning but you have overreacted to it. Neither a person, nor a situation, is as ferocious as you fear. During July, as you receive fresh reassurance, you begin to adjust to life without a sense of menace in the background."

Very true. Very very true. I also hope the last bit proves to be true.

I am my own worst enemy at times. It doesn't require another person to put me down and out. I can be quite capable all on my own. I pick at all the small points and hack myself apart.
I was sat on the train yesterday on the verge of a panick attack, and I mean on the verge. I'm very experienced with that aspect of my life now and can keep it under control. Years ago I would have flipped out. But now, it's easier than it was. even if still as daunting...

Hey, good news. To change the topic suddenly and in that badly written way which should be avoided, subjects should blend together to form a coherent path from a to z.

So anyway, great news in fact.

I am due to receive a pay rise. At the end of next month and it's to be "quite a bit" as my line manager said.

Oh, by the way, slightly better news than that too! In fact, double bubble fantastic news.

I am due to get another pay rise at the end of november (I think).

Two pay rises. Yes. TWO.

My work times have also changed once more. I will be doing every other sunday and getting every other saturday off.
Sunday is pay and a half, so, two sundays worked means one day extra pay. Which, conveiniently enough will pay for my new gym memebership for every month, for the months to come.

Keeping in mind the pay rise will mean I earn a little bit more for the time and a half so I will still come away from gym membership with a load of cash.

I couldn't believe it when she told me I'd be getting two pay rises. I still can't. It's going to be so bloody helpfull.
Such great news.

I have another thing that I want to do. But I want to keep it under my belt. It's one of those maybe will happen things. If it does, I'll write about it. But I don't want to set myself up for a fall. So I'll keep this light under my hat. I don't want it to go "foof!" in the light of day.

I hope something can bounce off of this. My little thing. I need it. Materially things are looking rosey. There's other things I want to address in my life.

Anyway. I'll write more later.

It's Sunday tomorrow and guess what? I don't need to wake up to an alram clock!!!

W o n d e r f u l . . .

Phew...

I'm knackered. Really really knackered.

I have started going to the gym again. Yipee! It's a really nice one not two minutes walk from my workplace. I'm looking forward to going for a swim at some point as well.
Looking after my physical well being is good. I'm pleased to be back on this horse again.

Anyway, I've been invited out to a friends birthday party. Which means a restaurant and food. (I'm starved after the gym. I've already eaten a little something, just to stave off the hunger pangs)
Although I'm flippin tired, as I've already mentioned. So am simply vegetating in front of my computer screen before I need to go out again. Puff wheez.

Although give the gym another two weeks and my fitness should start to improve somewhat, so I wont sit around sapped of all but my typey finger strength.
I've been having bad sleep recently too, so this sunday and tuesday coming will be vegatating days. I'm not going to do anything. Nothing. Just rest, eat and sleep. That'll do.

I'm already looking forward to bed this evening. Just gotta get the dinner out of the way though.

Right ho, I'll leave that there. I'm knackered.

My life.

After the last two years of living abroad my life of recent has been anything but fantastic. More of 'my god isn't time passing by quickly' and 'jee whizz, I ain't done much with meself'.

Not that that's a bad thing. I'm sure there are times in life that you need to charge up a certain amount of steam before you crack off in another more interesting direction. I feel like a horse in a pen looking out at all the surroundings and wanting very much to have a run, but can't.

A most frustrating thing.

In fact, the most frustrating thing is being who you are, being all that you are and unable to express it or live it. Not being able to run, not being able to laugh. Not being able to think. Just kept, like that horse in the stable. With a long face, no joke.

Like a bird in a cage longing to stretch its wings. Completely cut off from what you are and intended for. It's hard.

I almost look at myself in reflection and wonder what am I intended for. The ultimate answer of course, to look back and see what it all amounted to. I'm sure we all get some reflection back at our time of passing to wherever.

I cannot rationally judge for myself the purpose of my life. none of us can know this. In fact, it's quite a different state of being to any animal. They are formed as they are, they do what they do. It's a fairly simple life for them.
Humans on the other hand, have that little bit of something else. I don't really like saying that, I like to think that by pure state seen we are all equal.

But does an animal ever stop and ponder why? (However such a concept would be formed without the word) In fact, I'm sure some of them do. It may not be our plinth alone to stand upon.

Anyway. Why?

I do not have an answer to that question. I cannot answer it. right now at least. In China I could, I wanted to see and experience another part of this world and I did. That was my answer to the question 'why?' then.

But my answer to my current why isn't there. It doesn't exist. I suppose actually come to think of it, that it's simply to find one.
I know that i'm looking for a relastionship. I know I want that. In what form it may or may not come to be in, I'm not privy to such information, so cannot know. If I am ever to have such a thing, being the creature I.

I can preoccupy my mind with so much stuff, so much dust that I can blow up with my mind to obscure myself and my perceptions from absence of reason, in a reasonless universe. If there were a reason perhaps it's written down somewhere. Perhaps the center of existence there's a page that states why. Perhaps. Although that's probably just something an offshoot of random consiousness would think and imagine.

Time. Time, time, a long time. I very much wish to be free of this thing. This creation of ours. there is no time, we just made it up. I'd love to live in a culture that has no concept of time. That would be nice.

Time is that unbeatable thing. That vacum where only ourselves reside. Being that we are the only things there, it is only ourselves that give us the trouble. For whatever reason. We are our worst enemies.

I think I'm mine at the moment and I understand why that is.

There isn't much for me to do at the moment. No place to go. No person to see. I mean, I have my friends and I do go to see them. But this is rested gently on the top and doesn't offer me things beyond myself. It is comforting, yeah, but it doesn't fix the devil in me. That person that exists when I'm idle. I suppose that explains the saying "Idle hands make the devils work" or something like that.

I don't know why.

Although I do know that change is the only true eternal, oneday, why may stop existing. Things might change so. I'd better appreciate it whilst I can.

I feel like Daffy Duck surounded by all the black stuff falling in on him.

eh, at least it's a new day tomorrow and this job will end and I will meet new people and I will travel and see new and fantastic places one day. Yeah. Change will always happen.

So, I'll sit tight for the time being and wonder why...

Pingu.

I love pingu. I really do.


I'll get back to more regular posting soon I think. I've missed tyyping my thoughts as I think 'em.

Urgh...

What a day. What a painful day.
The person I work with has, as my father would say, cloth ears. She blabs her mouth in an incredible array of daftness. Takes no time at all to listen to anything I say to her and then misses out on a million things.

Is there nothing worse in this world than a person who doesn't listen?

So I sat there with her today, the Sri lankan lady, listening to her faff her mouth off and take little or any attention to anything I had to add.
She'd made a mistake inputting some of the figures the other day. I tried to explain this to her, but not a thing did she actively gleam from me. So I've left it. It's not a huge problem, but it's there. She made a couple of others as well. both I mentioned to yet fall upon deaf ears.

So I don't care anymore. I will happily let the sh*t hit the fan. It's her that'll get it. I could, rectify the problem myself. But, for someone who takes no time to listen, perhaps she'll start once she realises that ignoring me isn't a clever thing to do.

It's most rude. So she can fry in her own juices. Harumph!

Also, today, I am swiftly becoming other peoples emotional punch bag. They've got gripes and they come my way. It is because I do take the time to listen and I'm one of the most easy going people around there. So, they come to offload, sometimes though, it's a few shots fired my way out of exacerbation. Sigh... I like to help, but it's easier when I'm not stressed.

Anyway, it's another day done and a little bit more money coming my way. I put 500 quid right into the isa the other day. I will be doing that again next month. Save save save. One positive I have firmly and true.

Anyway it's been a poopy day but I'm home. Hopefully I'll be able to get off to the old rub a dub (pub) soon for an ice rink (drink). Or a pigs rear, but whatever you fancy really.

So, where do you want to go?

We'd finished watching Fantastic floor "Rise of the Silver Surfer" and were wondering where to grab something to drink.

My friend, who came to London from Somalia when he was 13 suggested we go to Mcdonalds.

"Yeah, Maccy D's..." I replied with a whistful glaze in my eyes. I didn't really want to eat but I was hungry. So what the hey.

We walked in, past the part that was being redecorated and I went and queued up with my mate in tow. We waited a while and had aimless chit chat.

"So, how've you been?" He asked.

"Well" I responded.

"what did you think about the film?" I asked.

"It was good"

"I think it's much better than the first one" I replied. He nodded in agreement.

"Next please" The man behind the counter said interupting our aimless conversational journey.

I moved over and said "Can I have a big mac and a quarter pounder with cheese please"

"Just the burgers and not the meals" He said with a waving motion of his arm Which I copied and replied "Yeah, just the burgers."

My mate was stood directly behind me and I turned and said to him "You know, that's where I usually stand when I go to Macdonalds with someone else. It's also the point that the person behind the counter assumes that you aren't buying and anything because your mate has oredered two burgers." Refering to my two burgers ordered.

My mate just looked at me and smiled.

The man behind the counter came back with my food which I picked up and went to find a seat. I looked round as I was going and my friend was there.

"Aren't you getting anything?" I said to him really puzzled.

"No, no, it's alright."

"What!" I said in surprise "You said you wanted to go into McDonalds you c**t." A very Londoner thing to say at such an instance. It's simply a way of expressing how you feeel. Not everyones linguistic cup of tea, but there you go.

I felt a bit put upon as it wasn't my suggestion to go to McDonalds in the first place. Although I did agree. But, it's very typically something my mate would do and as he said.

"It's all part of my comedy routine" He said with a cheeky grin.

I just laughed.

Oh, by the way I spelt Fantastic FLOOR at the begining of the post intentionally. As I had this big fantasy when walking to the cinema to say that when asking for the tickets. As I didn't think anyonw would really hear the difference.

"Can I have two tickets for the fantastic floor please" I would say.

"Certainly sir, which seats would you like?"

Hehehehe....

Ahh... rest.

2pm today was the longest moment before more work. It was a nice feeling when I remembered that tomorrow was my day off, really nice. I can wake up tomorrow without my alarm clock.

Wonderful.

Really really wonderful. I'll be going to the movies to watch Fantastic 4. Can't wait. I really enjoy my movie times, especially when everyone else is out at work and I have a whole day off. I need it.
Today was a bang my head against a wall day. Although it's also a reminder to look at the positive aspects of things. A bounce off the wall so to speak. It might be a sudden jolt but it sends you along another way.

I've been feeling a bit lazy writing recently, probably my being a bit tired, I've been getting a little less sleep than I need and it does affect me. I'm not into stimulating myself with coffee or anything like that either. I'm a natural person. If I feel tired, I sleep. If I'm hungry, yeah, I eat and so on.

So I've not felt up to the mamouth task of pouring out my insides onto the web page. Perhaps I should. Probably later, when I'm suitably inspired.

Oh, before I forget, i'm trying out Safari for windows. I just downloaded it and have had a brief look into its workings. The silver grey is a bit of a "urrmmhh..." for me, but the rest is tutto buono.

My first impressions are that there are some very straight forward ways to do things. Subtle differences from internet explorer. Which I'll most likely stop using now. I don't really like it at all.

Hmm, I realise just reading that I've painted an inaccurate picture of my circumstances. I only use internet explorer for this blog. As the old blog I use is tied to my original gmail account. In order to distance myself from that, I had to use my back up gmail account. As i couldn't be bothered signing in and out between the two, I used two browsers. Firefox (I love) and internet explorer.
Firefox is excellent and will remain my default browsing experience for some time to come. It's lovely.

So, this for my new secondary browser, soley for the purpose of this blog, will now be Safari. Tip top indeed it is.

Right. I'm off to enjoy the rest of my evening and retire to bed for much needed sleep.
Because I feel like making some of these "Zzz... Zzz..."